


Dare You To Love Me

by BambiRex



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Cheating, Coming Out, Compulsory Heterosexuality, F/F, Falling In Love, Fluff, Genderbending, Imagine Me & You AU, Inspired by Imagine Me & You (2005), Internalized Homophobia, Internalized Lesbophobia, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, but you don't have to watch the movie to get what's going on here, but you will understand, despite the freddie/mary tag, fem!queen, flower references all the way, jimercuryweek2021, king!au, make no mistake Freddie is a lesbian, many scenes and lines are directly taken from the movie, not between freddie and jane
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:41:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 26,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29040300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BambiRex/pseuds/BambiRex
Summary: Jane is a humble florist who doesn't have the best track record when it comes to lasting relationships. Freddie is getting married to a man, but her heart is not exactly in the relationship. They meet at Freddie's wedding, and their lives change forever.
Relationships: Jim Hutton/Freddie Mercury, Mary Austin/Freddie Mercury
Comments: 87
Kudos: 19
Collections: JimercuryWeek2021





	1. Imagine Me And You, I Do

**Author's Note:**

> Here's my second (and last) piece for Jimercury week, a much fluffier one this time! I wanted to write an Imagine Me & You AU since forever, and this was the perfect time! As I said in the tags, there's no need for you to be familiar with the movie, I think (and hope) that it's perfectly understandable without that, too! Also, the Freddie/Mary tag could be confusing, and please, before anyone attacks me and claims that I'm making Freddie bi in this... I'm not. She's a big 'ole lesbian, as always.

It was a chilly Saturday morning in Kensington. Spring just arrived, nature slowly waking from its cold winter dream, but it hasn’t reached its full potential yet: it wasn’t nearly warm enough, and the rain had been falling in a light drizzle for the past few days. Jane wrapped her jacket tighter around herself as she walked over to the truck that was waiting outside the shop.

‘’Isn’t it bad luck to have your wedding on a rainy day?” Jane’s friend and colleague, Elaine asked as she nearly slipped on the stairs. Jane shrugged, grabbing the first bouquet of flowers- light blue gardenias, purity and gentleness, Jane mentally noted. Exactly what you needed when you were about to marry your sweetheart. Or, maybe the bride just chose flowers based on how pretty they were, and how well they went with the rest of the decorations.

‘’Never heard this superstition before.” Jane replied, shaking some water off the petals gently. ‘’I think if you really love someone, the weather shouldn’t be a concern. All that matters is what’s inside your heart.”

‘’Ooh, you big sap.” Elaine cooed, making Jane roll her eyes. ‘’How come no one snatched your lovely romantic ass?”

‘’Maybe I always had dates on rainy days.” Jane shot back with a grin. She climbed the small ladder that led to the truck, placing the flowers inside the storage bin. Elaine was always so obsessed with Jane’s love life, constantly digging her nose into every single fling she had. Sometimes, she was almost worse than Jane’s mother, who tried to set her up with every single sapphic woman in the area. It made sense, Jane figured: it’s been quite a while since she had a meaningful relationship, but she was admittedly waiting for the right one- the woman who could fully own her heart, who was Jane’s other half, her soulmate. People could tease her about her sappiness all they wanted, but Jane was certain her one true love was waiting for her somewhere, and she just needed to find her.

They finished loading the truck with the sea of flowers, then jumped into their respective seats and started the engine before the rain got worse.

\--

‘’God, look at you.” Her mother cooed, voice already choked up with emotions. Her eyes were shining with happy tears behind her glasses as she watched her daughter’s reflection in the mirror. ‘’My daughter, my baby, is getting married today. I can barely believe it.”

Freddie forced a smile onto her face and nodded, raking her eyes over her reflection. Jer wasn’t the only one who had a hard time believing it; Freddie still absolutely had no idea why she said yes to the proposal, why she was standing here in her wedding dress, getting ready to tie her life to Mark’s forever.

It wasn’t because she didn’t love Mark: he was kind and loyal, intelligent and soft-spoken, and Freddie loved him… in her own way, which may have been not the right one, come to think of it. Freddie loved Mark as a best friend, a loyal confidante, or a protective brother. They had a very close bond, and Freddie wondered if she confused that affection for love when she first started dating him.

Ever since she was a kid, Freddie knew that she was different. Her interest in boys never went beyond the typical fascination of a kid gawking at everything in healthy curiosity. Her relatives teased her whenever she looked at a boy, asking her if she would marry him one day. Freddie always just scoffed at the idea- marrying boys? What a weird thought!

It wasn’t until she was about ten years old, when she realized she wasn’t only not interested in boys, but that she had been way more inclined towards other girls. They were just much prettier, and smelled much better in her opinion. She saw no point in chasing after boys when you could be with another girl instead. Then came her teenage years, and she soon learned she should feel ashamed of this attraction. Her feelings had a name now, a name that was often whispered in disgust, by her parents and her peers. Freddie realized she’s supposed to grow out of that weird fascination, but she never managed. She remained hopefully longing after other girls, while forcing herself to go out with boys, in the hope that doing the ‘’right” thing will fix her. It never did. She still didn’t like boys, and was still attracted to girls.

Freddie did her best to push it down, never seeking out the company of other women for other than strictly friendly relations, making sure to keep herself away from that part of herself. There was Mark, a very handsome young man who adored Freddie, and who Freddie was admittedly very fond of. Her parents were so happy when they got together, and nearly ecstatic when they announced the news of their engagement. They were so pumped, that they went along with the idea of a Catholic wedding, despite having been nagging Freddie for a traditional Parsi wedding all along. In the middle of it all, Freddie was the least excited- but she figured that if she managed to suppress her real feelings so far, it wouldn’t hurt to do it for a couple more years. She said yes to the big question, like a nice, decent girl would, and now she was getting married and making everyone proud. She just needed to ignore the hole gaping inside her chest.

‘’You look so beautiful, beta.” Jer said softly, caressing Freddie’s hair lovingly. Pride radiated off her. Freddie was indeed beautiful in her long white dress with lacy sleeves, her hair cascading down her back in soft waves, adored with white flowers. She was undoubtedly gorgeous, a sight for sore eyes, and she tried to make her smile fit the beauty of her outfit.

‘’Thank you, Mama.” She said, tearing her eyes away from the mirror to look at her mother. ‘’You look very nice, too. Where’s Mark?”

‘’He’s already at the chapel with your father, they need to put all those flowers you ordered inside.” Jer giggled, rolling her eyes fondly. ‘’They needed an entire truck for them!”

‘’I love flowers.” Freddie said softly. ‘’I told Mark that either the chapel is swimming in them, or I’m not marrying him.” If only it was just about the flowers, Freddie thought, but wisely kept it to herself.

Kareem poked his head into the room, sending his sister a big smile. ‘’Hey, there. Looking really good.”

‘’Thank you.” Freddie smiled. ‘’Someone else is cleaning up very nice, too. Very handsome.”

Kareem flashed her another bright grin, and just for a second, Freddie felt the pressure of her corset lighten.

\--

The groom was a tall, handsome man with blond hair and blue eyes, already dressed in a dashing tux. He rushed forward to the truck, smiling all the way.

‘’Thank you so much for this, really.” He said after he shook hands with Jane and introduced himself. ‘’My bride, Freddie, is a little bit obsessed with flowers.”

‘’As every bride should be.” Jane replied with an easy smile. Another man came over, older and serious looking with glasses. He introduced himself as Bomi, the father in law.

Together they unloaded the truck, carrying the heavy buckets of flowers inside. Mark never stopped talking all the way, clearly very excited about his wedding.

‘’She cared more about the decorations than the food.” Mark explained with a laugh as they placed the flowers in a beautiful, antique vase by the altar. ‘’I asked her, ‘Freddie, what should be on the menu?’, and she just shrugged! However, when it came to the decorations, she went crazy and demanded flowers.”

Jane couldn’t help but smile. Freddie sounded really adorable, and every person who loved flowers so much had a great score with Jane. She adored flowers herself, always having enjoyed gardening with her father. She learned all the different meanings of flowers from him, and she fell in love so badly, that she decided to be a florist when she grew up, a choice she never regretted. That way, she could be surrounded by flowers every single day, could see the genuine happiness in someone’s eyes when they browsed in her shop. Red roses for Valentine’s day, orchids as an apology, gardenias for weddings- flowers made people happy, and Jane loved nothing more than to see what joy a bouquet could cause.

‘’Congratulations, again.” Jane said, straightening back up. ‘’I’m wishing you and your soon to be wife all the best.”

‘’Oh, are you leaving? You are absolutely welcome to stay.” Mark said with a kind smile. ‘’I would really love that. You brought us all these flowers, after all. I’m pretty sure Freddie would be happy to know the woman who arranged this for us is here.”

‘’That’s… really nice of you.” Jane stammered, blushing at the offer softly. ‘’But I’m afraid I can’t stay, that would be inappropriate, and I’m not dressed for the occasion…”

‘’I think you look really nice.” Mark cut her off gently, nodding at the light blue button up that Jane paired with a simple vest. Jane mulled it over in her head. She didn’t really have much to do today; she only had the morning shift, Elaine would take care of the shop for the rest of the day. She was just going to spend the day alone anyway, watching tv or reading, mundane and boring as usual.

‘’Alright, I guess I can stay.” Jane ended up saying shyly, making Mark grin.

\--

Freddie’s face ached from the smile that she plastered on the second she linked arms with her father, and kept it shining as she walked to the altar. Everyone was looking at her in awe, and Freddie felt horrible for not being as happy as she should have been. She could only hope her father couldn’t tell she was about to collapse, and his arm was the only thing keeping her up.

But Bomi just smiled proudly, while Jer wiped at her happy tears. Kareem grinned, her friends and her relatives grinned, and Mark looked at her like she was the most precious thing in the whole world. Freddie had to try and be a bit happier, for them.

It was only a few more steps to the altar, when Freddie looked to the side- one could say it was fate, pulling on the right strings to make her turn her head right in that moment. Her eyes landed on someone unfamiliar, standing by the side and keeping a polite distance from the rest of the guests. She was quite masculine, but Freddie could immediately tell she was a woman, despite the short brown hair and the clothes. She had a round face with adorable dimples and gentle brown eyes that shone with curiosity. She didn’t seem to be much taller than Freddie, but she was broad and muscular, somewhat chubby- a perfect mixture of rough and soft, and Freddie nearly tripped over her own feet when their eyes met.

It felt like being struck by lightning, and Freddie’s skin broke out in goosebumps. She has never felt anything like this before, so immediately drawn to a stranger. She stared into those eyes, and felt her heart press against her ribcage painfully, like a little bird trying to break free. She forgot about Mark, the wedding, every single thing that pressed down on her in that moment. She could only focus on this mysterious stranger with her unique beauty, radiating kindness and understanding despite not knowing who Freddie was.

Freddie didn’t even realize she came to a halt until Bomi gently yanked at her arm, trying to make her move along.

‘’What’s wrong?” He whispered into her ear. Freddie shook her head, tearing her eyes away from the woman with great difficulty.

‘’I’m fine, Papa.” She lied, focusing on making her smile look as genuine as possible when her father handed her over to Mark, who took her hands into his with a warm smile.

‘’You’re so beautiful.” He whispered, and Freddie ducked her head shyly.

She barely listened to the priest, and only said her vows on autopilot, her mind not really present. Her eyes kept drifting to the side, back over to the woman, and her heart fluttered happily when she found those eyes looking back at her.

Freddie didn’t even remember saying yes, but apparently, she did, because in the next moment Mark was kissing her and everyone cheered. Freddie cracked one eye open, locking it with the short-haired woman again.

\--

Jane has seen many beautiful women in her life, but neither of them compared to Freddie.

She felt like a creep for ogling someone that was just getting married, and to a man, but she couldn’t look away. Once their eyes met, it was over for Jane. Her heart hammered inside her chest as the beautiful woman looked at her, her cheeks flushed a soft pink, plump lips gaping open slightly in wonder and reveling the most adorable overbite that Jane has ever seen. Freddie was absolutely perfect with her dark skin, chocolate brown eyes and silky black hair, looking like a Princess straight out of a fairytale in her wedding dress.

Jane wished Freddie would look away, but the bride kept glancing back at her, and Jane found the last bits of her composure crumbling. She really shouldn’t be pining after someone so unavailable, but that was just her luck, she guessed.

The rest of the day was a bit of a crazy blur. She was talked into joining them for the reception, where she danced with a boy named Kareem who later turned out to be Freddie’s brother, conveniently, and also a dude called Ed who was Mark’s best friend. Jane had no idea how she ended up between all these people, but she found herself having a surprisingly good time.

Her heart did a little flip when she noticed Freddie standing by one of the tables, her back turned to her. Jane couldn’t help a soft chuckle when she noticed Freddie was fiddling with something at the punch bowl, peeking around to check if anyone saw what she was doing. Despite her better judgement, Jane walked up to her to see if she needed any help- or, maybe she was just looking for an excuse to talk to her, she wasn’t sure at that point.

‘’Hello.” She greeted Freddie as confidently as she could, causing her to twirl around. When she recognized Jane, she blushed heavily. 

‘’Oh, uhm, hi.” She stuttered. ‘’Having fun?”

‘’Yes, it’s really nice.” Jane replied with a small smile. ‘’I’m sorry to just intrude, your fiancé… well, your husband asked me to stay. Congratulations, by the way.”

‘’Thank you.” Freddie frowned a bit. “Do you know Mark?”

‘’Well, not really, but I’m the florist who delivered the flowers, and he wanted to thank me by abruptly inviting me to your wedding.” Jane explained, and Freddie’s eyes utterly lit up.

‘’Those flowers are so beautiful!” She squealed, her previous nerves suddenly forgotten. She even clapped her hands in delight, which made Jane smile. ‘’They really set the mood. Thank you so much for your help… I’m not sure I caught your name, I’m sorry.”

‘’Jane Hutton.” Jane shook Freddie’s hand, marveling in how small it was compared to her own. 

‘’I’m Freddie Bulsara… uhm, no, Austin.” Freddie shook her head, visibly embarrassed. ‘’Sorry, I guess it might take some time getting used to.”

‘’I can imagine.” Jane replied softly. Her eyes lingered on the punch bowl. ‘’I saw you struggling here with something, can I help?”

Freddie squeaked, covering her face with her hand. ‘’It’s so embarrassing,” she muttered from behind her fingers, ‘’but I dropped my ring into the bowl.”

Jane snorted with laughter, causing Freddie to pout in a quite cute manner. ‘’I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh at you. Do you need a hand?”

‘’I’m so clumsy.” Freddie chuckled. She gave Jane a soft little smile and a shrug. ‘’I guess so, yes.”

‘’Wouldn’t want you to soil your dress.” Jane said, unable to resist giving Freddie an appreciative look. Not like Freddie would read the signs, anyway- because she was straight, getting married to a man and all that. She probably doesn’t even realize the longing in Jane’s eyes.

‘’Cover me.” Jane said. ‘’Your dress is puffy enough.”

Freddie giggled in delight. ‘’It feels like we are committing a crime together.”

‘’A heinous one.” Jane teased. ‘’No one can find out about our operation because we will get in trouble.”

Freddie bit down on her lip to hold back her laughter, trying to pretend to be serious. ‘’Copy that. I will cover for you, I promise.”

She covered Jane with her body, holding the trail of her dress to the side to make it as wide as possible. She kept giggling all throughout while Jane fished around in the punch bowl behind her for the lost ring.

‘’Got it!” Jane announced in triumph, holding up the ring that was dripping with various beverages. Freddie finally burst out laughing, nearly doubling over.

‘’Oh my,” she snorted, ‘’it’s only my luck I get married and lose my ring straight away. Do you think it’s bad luck?”

‘’I don’t know, I’m not very superstitious.” Jane replied with an easy shrug. She wiped the ring off on her trousers, happily sacrificing them to make sure Freddie’s dress would remain squeaky clean. ‘’Here you go.” She handed Freddie the cleaned ring. Their fingers brushed together in the process, and they both blushed.

‘’Thank you.” Freddie said shyly, slipping it back onto her finger. She peeked up at Jane from under her lashes, a soft little smile lingering on her lips. Jane wished she could be on the receiving end of that look for the rest of her life. God, she needed a bucket of ice cold water dumped over her, because she was going crazy here.

‘’Would you like to dance?” Freddie asked suddenly, causing Jane to very unattractively choke on her spit for a second. She cleared her throat, eyes watering.

‘’Uhm…what?”

‘’You don’t have to.” Freddie was quick to say, worry filling her eyes. ‘’I just saw you dancing with my brother, and I guessed… oh, nevermind.”

Freddie had been watching her. Well, that certainly didn’t help the crush that Jane was quickly developing on her. She swallowed thickly, but ended up nodding and making Freddie’s eyes lighting up with hope beautifully.

‘’It’s okay.” She said quietly. ‘’I would love to dance with you.”

Despite Freddie coming up with the idea, it was eventually Jane who lead them to the dancefloor, praying that her clammy hands didn’t ruin Freddie’s nail polish. They were lost in the sea of dancing guests; no one paid them much mind. Everyone danced with everyone here, and besides, Freddie was off the cards, everyone knew that. She was straight, and just got married, no one would suspect anything. Even if they could tell by Jane’s looks that she was gay, Freddie wouldn’t get into trouble.

She placed a trembling hand on Freddie’s waist, but despite her nerves, she found herself smiling. Freddie wrapped her arms around her neck, smiling back as they swayed together, so perfectly in synch.

‘’Can we stay in touch?” Freddie asked, her eyes big and hopeful. Jane’s mouth felt suddenly very dry, but she managed to squeeze out a small ‘’I would love that.”

They continued to dance together, none of them realizing just how deep they were still yet to fall.


	2. Think About The Girl You Love (And Hold Her Tight)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark invites Jane over for dinner, blissfully unaware of the emotional chaos he's about to unleash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's second-hand embarrassment time! 😬

It was when her heart gave that hopeful little flutter that Freddie knew she was in big, big trouble.

‘’You invited Jane over for dinner?” She repeated numbly, hoping that Mark wouldn’t get the wrong idea. He would surely find it weird, that his wife was so overly excited about another woman- whom she barely knew, at that- visiting them tonight. But Mark just smiled incredulously, and gave Freddie a little shrug as if it was no big deal, blissfully unaware of the inner turmoil Freddie was currently going through.

‘’I did.” Mark said simply, turning back to his tea. He stirred the warm liquid with an almost cheeky smile. ‘’I can tell you two hit it off right away. You danced with her more than with me, at our wedding.”

Freddie blushed deeply, stubbornly staring into her own cup to avoid Mark’s eyes. She was such an idiot. She should have thought this through, should have realized what it must have looked like that she would rather be in the arms of a random woman than her own husband… but no, she was being stupid again and couldn’t control herself. Jane came in with her dimples and her warm eyes, her endearing accent and her big hands holding Freddie so perfectly, and Freddie was gone like a sappy teenage girl with a crush.

To make matters worse, Freddie couldn’t stop thinking about Jane since the wedding. Pretty much all her thoughts revolved around the charming florist- and when she wasn’t lying in bed, daydreaming of a forbidden affair, then she was texting Jane with the biggest grin on her face. It was her idea to keep in touch. Her fault, if you may. And now, she was definitely in big trouble, because she found herself falling for Jane more and more, at a ridiculously fast pace.

‘’She seems nice.” Mark continued, still not realizing the mix of panic and hope in Freddie’s eyes. ‘’I’m glad you made such a great friend.”

‘’Me too.” Freddie whispered, biting into her lip. Friends. That’s what they were, right? They knew each other for only a week. And Freddie promised herself she would never fall for a woman again, so there couldn’t be anything more between them, even if she wasn’t married. She didn’t even know in which way Jane was inclined- sure, if she had to guess, then Jane was very probably a flaming lesbian, but who knows? 

God, why was she even thinking about Jane’s sexuality in the first place!? Travesty.

‘’Besides,” Mark’s grin widened, ‘’I happen to know Ed really likes her.”

The prickles of jealousy burned her skin, and Freddie had to grab onto her own thighs under the table before she said something stupid. She resorted to a small ‘’oh?”, barely able to keep the anger out of her voice. To think that Ed had his eye on Jane made her stomach twist uncomfortably. She knew it was crazy of her to feel so jealous, when she was actually married, and Jane should be totally off the cards for her anyways. Yet, her heart shattered all the same.

‘’We could try and set them up.” Mark said with a wink. Freddie wisely didn’t reply, just continued silently seething and hoping Mark wouldn’t catch on.

This dinner was going to end in a catastrophe, Freddie was fairly certain.

\--

Jane threw away about the fifteenth shirt she has tried on, letting out an exhausted groan. She was never the type that cared too much about her looks, she always preferred comfort over style, but she wanted to make a good impression. Why, she didn’t even know- well, she sort of did, but the answer scared her.

She felt so ashamed, for being hung upon a married girl like that. Her friends were right, she was truly hopeless, always falling for the wrong people. Freddie was the worst possible choice for her- and yet, here she was, pining desperately and spending hours on picking out the perfect outfit. Maybe it was Mark that invited her, after all, but Freddie would still be there, and Jane wanted to look perfect for her.

‘’Are you having a date?” Her mother, Esther teased, watching the ridiculous scene from her armchair. Jane scoffed, though she had a hard time hiding the blush on her cheek.

‘’No, Ma, I told you. I’m having dinner with some friends.”

‘’And one of those friends happen to be Freddie, the unavailable beauty that you keep texting and who clearly stole your heart the second she looked at you?” The teasing tone in her mother’s voice wasn’t hard to miss. Jane groaned, burying her flaming face in her hands.

‘’Ma, please…”

Esther got up from her chair to pull her into a hug, gently ruffling her hair like when she was little and in need of comfort. ‘’Janey, I’m not judging you,” she promised softly, ‘’I just don’t want you to get your heart broken. Again.”

‘’I’m not going to do anything stupid.” Jane promised, more to herself than her mother. ‘’Freddie and I are just friends. She has a husband, she’s probably straight, I have zero chances. And I have accepted that.”

‘’Is that why you are in such a frenzy?” Esther asked, in a very tongue in cheek way, as she pointed at the mess of clothes on the floor. ‘’Because you have accepted it?”

‘’Maybe you should get yourself a date, too,” Jane said, rolling her eyes, ‘’so you would stop being nosy about my love life.”

‘’If you get yourself one, I will, too.” Esther replied with a wink. Then, she grinned. ‘’Do you need help choosing?”

Jane sighed and nodded. She was pretty sure she would never leave this house otherwise- and then, how would she be able to see Freddie?

\--

Freddie’s self-control lasted only until the doorbell rang. Ignoring everything she had promised herself, she shot off her feet and ran to the door, causing a series of chuckles coming from around the table.

‘’She’s never this excited when it’s me coming through that door.” Mark joked. Bomi patted him on the back with a laugh, murmuring something about how silly his daughter could be.

Freddie could barely hold herself back from just throwing herself into Jane’s arms as she opened the door. She looked gorgeous as ever, wearing a dark green shirt with small geometrical patterns, and a smile that could have melted butter. In her hands, she was holding a bouquet of yellow freesias and a bottle of white wine.

‘’Hi!” Freddie squealed, cheeks flushed pink. Her heart was doing a crazy dance inside her chest, and for a second, she was worried it would burst out of there. Jane’s smile widened, her eyes lighting up like a million stars as she looked Freddie over.

‘’You look wonderful.” She said softly, raking her eyes over Freddie’s yellow blouse and the matching headband. ‘’You dressed for the flowers.”

‘’They are beautiful.” Freddie said, taking them from Jane carefully. She held them close to her face, inhaling their scent. ‘’How did you know they were my favorite?”

Jane seemed a bit taken aback for a short second, then she smiled. ‘’I didn’t realize they were. But I guess I made the right choice, then.”

‘’You absolutely did.” Freddie replied. She suddenly realized they were just standing in the doorway for a minute now, staring at each other like two lovesick teenagers. ‘’Come on in.” She said softly, gently steering Jane inside with a tender hand on her elbow. 

Freddie’s parents looked a little weirded out by Jane’s presence, sharing questioning glances. Kareem waved with a little smile, Mark actually gave her a friendly kiss on the cheek, and Ed was grinning from ear to ear. Mark’s father seemed somewhat confused, but he made an effort to smile.

‘’It’s so good to see you!” Ed said, a little too eagerly. He enveloped Jane in a bone-crushing hug, making her smile awkwardly. Freddie turned her gaze to the floor, suddenly very interested in a cat toy that she forgot to put away.

‘’Yeah.” Jane said, seemingly confused. Ed kept squeezing her, and Jane looked at Freddie over his shoulder, mouthing ‘help me.’ This finally made some of the tension inside Freddie’s chest ease.

‘’Come on, let’s sit.” She said, pulling Ed away (while fighting off the urge to just yank him off Jane). Jane shot her a grateful smile, and suddenly everything was right in the world for a moment.

\--

That moment didn’t last for too long.

For a while, the dinner was surprisingly not as awkward as Freddie imagined it would be; it was mostly Mark, who did the majority of talking, translating to his father with sign language. A few ridiculous baby stories were shared, but everyone was on their best behavior, mostly. Ed kept trying to initiate conversation with Jane, leaning way too much into her personal space, but she always pulled away with a polite smile, clearly not interested.

Then, the conversation took a deeper turn about feelings and love, and everything went to shit right away.

‘’So, how did you two meet?” Jane asked during dessert, looking from Freddie to Mark and back. ‘’Freddie never really mentioned it.”

‘’Not an important detail, huh?” Mark teased. He kissed Freddie on the cheek to placate her, and if Freddie wasn’t wrong, then something flashed in Jane’s eyes.

‘’It was fate,” Mark said, proudly, ‘’I ran into her at the stall she’s working at. I immediately knew we were meant to be.”

The Bulsaras and Mark’s father all cooed, while Freddie tried to remember how a woman in love with her husband should look like. She made the mistake of gazing at Jane instead, who looked back at her with a look in her eyes that Freddie couldn’t describe, but it set her heart racing all the same.

‘’So, it was love at first sight, then?” Jane asked. Even though she was talking to Mark, her eyes remained on Freddie’s face.

‘’They fell for each other quick as lightning!” Jer babbled in, proudly. ‘’These two are soulmates.”

‘’Do you believe in love at first sight?” Freddie ended up asking. Her brain was slower than her mouth this time, and she uttered the words out before she could stop herself. She seemed to be transfixed by Jane’s eyes, hypnotized into opening her heart up.

‘’I do.” Jane said, the corners of her mouth twitching. ‘’I think it’s something you immediately know. You look at someone, and you could feel the connection, like sparks flying around. I think you know, immediately. You know as soon as your eyes meet… then everything that happens from then on just proves that you had been right in that first moment. When you suddenly realized you had been incomplete, and now you are whole.”

The silence was so thick, it could have been cut with a knife. Freddie was certain her heart was beating so loud, that everyone could hear it. She stared back at Jane, with her mouth slightly agape and her eyes hooded. Jane’s words touched something inside her, something deeply hidden that she tried to escape from all these years- Jane has unlocked a door that had been locked since forever, and Freddie suddenly wanted to fly free, out of that cage that she put herself inside because her family, her friends, the entire society told her to. She wanted to run straight into Jane’s arms, seek out the shelter of her strong arms. She wanted to look deeply into those eyes, and be seen. It all made sense, everything that Jane said. Freddie felt the same way, like finding a missing puzzle piece, and it all happened at the chapel, when she first locked eyes with Jane. She experienced those sparks, that immediate knowing that this was something different, something deep that could change her entire life. She wondered, hoped, that it was the two of them Jane was talking about in her little monologue. Against her better judgement, she desperately wished Jane felt that, too, that when she was looking at Freddie, she truly saw her, like no one else, got her in a way that Freddie longed to be understood. She wished Jane’s heart beat just as fast, her breath hitched the same way when she was thinking of Freddie; she wished Jane loved her like Freddie did, against all odds.

‘’Very lovely speech.” Ed grinned, wriggling his eyebrows at Jane. Jane blinked, broken out of the spell. She cast a quick glance around, blushing when she realized everyone was staring at her as if she was an alien. She cleared her throat and forced a smile onto her face.

‘’Uhm, what about… what about you, Freddie? Do you believe in it?”

‘’I…” Freddie’s voice died, and she had to swallow to try again. Her cheeks were so red, it was a wonder her head didn’t explode. ‘’I don’t know.”

‘’I think you do.” Jane said quietly. Her cheeks were a similar shade to Freddie’s. ‘’I’m sure you have an opinion.”

‘’Who wants more cake?” Kareem asked, sensing the tension in the room. Everyone ignored him, watching the scene with growing confusion.

‘’I always thought it was a gradual thing.” Freddie ended up saying. One of her cats, Tom rubbed against her shin beneath the table, and Freddie happily took the distraction. She lifted the pet into her lap, ignoring Jer’s outrage at having an animal at their table. Freddie absentmindedly stroked Tom’s fur, trying to calm herself down. ‘’For me, it was something that happened over time, I guess. I mean, you need to get used to each other, learn about each other’s flaws, find out if you’re actually compatible… but maybe I was wrong. Maybe it really does exist, like you said.”

‘’Wait, you’re admitting it wasn’t love at first sight from your part?” Mark laughed, but Freddie could hear the subtle hurt in his voice. She suddenly felt like a tremendous asshole.

‘’No, I…” She stammered, suddenly wishing the ground would open and swallow her whole. Fuck, she really shouldn’t have taken part in this conversation. She couldn’t keep a clear head with Jane around.  
‘’It was, just… I think…”

‘’I know what you mean.” Mark assured her, but Freddie was not so sure of that, considering she didn’t know what she meant herself. It was a gradual thing with Mark, she guessed- certainly not love at first sight, because it wasn’t, not in a romantic sense, but she did learn to enjoy his company. She couldn’t have said that, obviously, because then she would have given herself away as an impostor who was only pretending to be happy on a man’s side, and that would ruin everything.

With Jane, though, it was exactly what Jane described it as, and if that wasn’t the scariest realization ever, then Freddie didn’t know what that was.

The conversation died after that. Jane looked extremely guilty, clearly feeling like she managed to cause a rift between the fresh spouses. Bomi and Jer were still having that annoying silent conversation with their eyes, while Mark tried to translate to his father who was very curious about what he was left out of, purposefully leaving out a few details. Ed looked confused as ever, and Kareem seemed like he wished he was somewhere else. Freddie could absolutely relate to that.

‘’Do you have a husband, Jane?” Bomi suddenly asked, without preamble, causing Jane to nearly choke on her wine.

‘’Me? No, I don’t.” She croaked. She inched further away from Ed, whose eyes lit up at the lack of a husband. 

‘’That’s great.” He said earnestly. Jane sighed deeply, shaking her head. She locked eyes with Freddie, who looked just as uncomfortable as she felt.

Bomi stared at Jane, almost suspiciously, before he shrugged and went back to his wine like nothing happened. Freddie leaned back in her chair, closing her eyes. The dinner turned out to be even worse than what she imagined.

\--

Despite the rain, Jane still felt more comfortable on the balcony than inside the house. At least the rain wasn’t asking weird questions, or derailed a conversation onto sensitive topics.

God, why did she have to blurt out that rant about love at first sight? And why couldn’t she tear her eyes away from Freddie? Why was she such a hopeless, yearning idiot, who clearly learned nothing from her past mistakes?

She leaned against the railing, watching the raindrops splash onto the wood. She sighed deeply. Her breath was visible in the chilly air.

‘’You okay?”

‘’Oh, God.” Jane gasped, clutching a hand over her heart. Freddie sent her an apologetic smile when she turned around, hugging her jacket tighter around her body. She walked like a panther, completely silent, or maybe Jane was just too deeply in her thoughts to hear her arrival.

‘’I didn’t mean to scare you.” Freddie said softly. She closed the distance between them with uncertain steps, standing at a polite distance from Jane.

‘’It’s okay.” Jane promised. She gave Freddie a reassuring smile. ‘’I was just thinking, and I didn’t realize you’re here.”

‘’What were you thinking about?” Freddie asked, not invasively, but in a genuinely curious, kind way that made Jane smile. It was insane, how close she felt herself to Freddie: she had only known her for a week, and yet, it felt like they knew each other since forever. Jane could already recognize her little quirks so well, the way she pulled her lip over her teeth, the nervous stammering, the wild gesticulating. The more she saw of Freddie, the more she fell for her.

‘’I feel really stupid,” Jane admitted, ‘’for bringing up that thing. I shouldn’t have gotten so personal.”

‘’It’s okay.” Freddie replied with a small smile. ‘’I guess I’m a little uncertain.” She bit down on her lip, eyes cast downwards. Jane arched a curious eyebrow.

‘’Uncertain?”

‘’I love Mark.” Freddie said quickly, and Jane wondered if it was only her imagination, or Freddie really sounded a bit defensive. ‘’I do, I just… I don’t know.”

‘’Look, you are newlyweds.” Jane said softly, trying to cheer Freddie up a bit. She hated to see that disturbed frown on her face. ‘’I guess you still need to find your way around that role, and that’s okay. I mean, I… I have never been married, but I can imagine it goes that way. Sorry, I’m not sure I’m the best at giving advice. I have a trail of failed relationships behind my back.”

‘’Don’t we all?” Freddie smiled, her voice taking on a softer edge. ‘’Thank you for this. And for that speech at the dinner. Believe it or not, I actually really liked it.”

‘’You talked about that gradual affection in the past tense,” Jane pointed it out, hoping she wasn’t overstepping any more boundaries. ‘’Was it only my speech that changed your mind about love at first sight, or something else?”

Freddie swallowed audibly. She was silent for a long while, and Jane wondered if she stepped into something sensitive again. She was about to change the subject, when Freddie, so quietly that Jane could barely hear her, uttered:

‘’It was something else.”

Jane hated that burst of hope that warmed her chest instantly. She couldn’t have possibly known Freddie was talking about her, that she meant the two of them on that fateful day in the chapel, but she could imagine it, just for a little while. Just for a few seconds, she could conjure up a fantasy world where Freddie wasn’t taken, when she loved Jane back. A world where her yearning was fulfilled at last.  
Jane didn’t dare ask what it was that changed her mind. Freddie could be talking about something else- someone else- entirely, which was the worst possible scenario, and Jane didn’t even want to think about it. She preferred hanging onto her pink bubble, for now.

‘’What’s up with Ed?” She ended up asking. Freddie rolled her eyes before she could catch herself.

‘’He has a crazy crush on you, and Mark wants you two to date.” There was a bitter tone in Freddie’s voice that made Jane smile against her better judgement.

‘’Well, sorry for causing Mark disappointment, but Ed doesn’t really stand a chance.” Jane laughed softly. ‘’He’s a nice chap, but even if I were straight, I wouldn’t go for him.”

Freddie snapped her head up so quickly, that Jane swore she heard her neck crack. She blinked at Freddie. Wasn’t her gayness fairly obvious? Was it really a surprise?

‘’I didn’t know that.” Freddie breathed. Her pupils were blown wide. Jane suddenly felt worried. Maybe Freddie had a problem with that? Did that mean they couldn’t even be friends anymore?

But before she could find out what was that strange emotion swirling in Freddie’s eyes, Freddie suddenly started stripping off her jacket, and Jane’s eyes nearly bulged out of her head at the sudden change in behavior.

‘’It’s getting cold out here,” Freddie said, like a fussy mother worried about her child playing in the rain. Jane blushed when Freddie wrapped her arms around her in a half-hug, covering her with her jacket. It was entirely too small on Jane, but her heart still warmed at the gesture. ‘’You have been standing outside for a while.”

‘’I’m fine.” Jane promised. ‘’You don’t need to give me your jacket, really.”

‘’I insist.” Freddie said, fixing the lapels. She suddenly stopped and looked up at Jane, realizing just how close they were standing to each other. Jane suddenly forgot how to breathe properly. If she leant in just a couple inches, their lips would brush. They were standing so close, pushed up against one another, Freddie’s sweet lavender scent all around her, her tiny jacket warm around her shoulders, and Freddie’s small, delicate hands lingering close to her chest…

Freddie eventually stepped back with a shy smile. and the moment was lost- still, Jane couldn’t wipe a stupid, sappy grin off her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh-oh, the girls are falling in love.


	3. Say You Belong To Me, And Ease My Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's getting harder and harder for Freddie to deny her feelings for Jane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very Freddie-centric chapter, where we get a bit of glimpse into what she's going through right now.

Freddie only realized she had been staring at the cereal display shelf for about ten minutes when Mark gently steered her forward with a hand on her elbow, trying to urge her to make up her mind. To be fair, it wasn’t really the different types of cereal that caused Freddie to have an existential breakdown in the middle of the supermarket. It was the usual thing, now saddled with about fifty new layers of panic.

Jane being a lesbian was a discovery that entirely knocked Freddie off her feet because that meant Jane wasn’t off the cards enough. It meant that they could potentially be dating right now if Freddie weren’t married and so deep in the closet that she knew every moth by name. In an alternate reality, her and Jane could be a thing; it wasn’t such a reach to imagine the two of them together anymore, and that caused Freddie’s anxiety to skyrocket. Sure, she had a suspicion, considering Jane pretty much had ‘’lesbian” written across her forehead, but now it was actually confirmed, and Freddie suddenly didn’t know what to do with this information.

They were standing so close together on the balcony- Freddie still remembered Jane’s scent, her warmth, the little sparkle in her eyes when Freddie peered up at her. Only a few inches separated them, and if Freddie leaned up, just a little, she could have kissed Jane. And God, she wanted it, so badly- she trembled with the need to finally press their lips together, to melt into Jane’s strong arms. There was nothing she wanted more than that, but she knew she couldn’t. That would be all wrong, for many reasons. She already felt like she was cheating on Mark, with her heart edging further and further away from him and soaring towards Jane. 

Jane appeared out of nowhere, and now Freddie questioned everything she knew about herself. Ever since she locked eyes with her, her mind was constantly whirring with the confusing mix of hope and despair, the endless push and pull of wanting to be brave at last, and open her heart up to real love, and running away from her, locking herself inside her safety bubble and pretend nothing has happened. That would be the easiest, the scenario in which she didn’t have to face her fears and where she continued making her family proud, without hurting Mark as well.

Only Freddie wasn’t sure if that was really the best option for her anymore.

‘’Babe, it’s not that difficult,” Mark chuckled softly. His voice was quiet and polite, but it still made Freddie flinch as she was catapulted back into reality. ‘’Just pick whichever you like. We still need to buy a lot of stuff…”

‘’Yeah, sorry.” Freddie stammered, quickly grabbing a box without even checking which type it was, and threw it into their cart. Mark squeezed her shoulder gently, looking at her with worry in his eyes.

‘’Is everything okay?” He asked, rubbing Freddie’s arms with his thumbs. ‘’You’ve been so far in your head in the past few days. Is it because of the business trip I told you about? Babe, it’s just five days, I won’t be gone forever.”

‘’The… trip. Yes.” Freddie sighed, shaking her head. Truth be told, she certainly didn’t feel as bummed out about it as she should have- not because she didn’t enjoy Mark’s company, but rather because he was the constant reminder of the life that Freddie was supposed to live, despite her not really wanting it. She felt constantly guilty, whenever she looked at Mark- here he was, her sweet, loyal husband who adored her, so handsome that any other girl would be jealous, and yet, Freddie couldn’t love him as much as she should have. Now, that Jane entered her life, it became more and more obvious to her just how unhappy she was.

‘’I’m gonna miss you.” Freddie said with a sad little smile. It was easier to blame her obvious despair on Mark’s upcoming absence, than admit she was hopelessly in love with another woman.  
Mark cooed, kissing her on the forehead lovingly. ‘’I’m gonna miss you too, Freddie. But we will talk every single day, and I’ll be back faster than you can imagine.”

He showed no sign of being at least a little bit suspicious- he clearly saw that something was going on with Freddie, and to Freddie’s biggest sorrow, he was obviously a little offended after Freddie pretty much admitted she didn’t fall for him as quickly as Mark did for her, during that godforsaken dinner. Other than that, he was his usual, kind self, clueless to what was happening inside the mind and heart of his spouse.

Suddenly, Mark lifted his head, looking at something behind Freddie’s back. He smiled with a little wave, causing Freddie to turn around.

It was just her luck that her eyes landed on Jane, sweet, beautiful Jane, wearing the warmest and coziest-looking hoodie that Freddie desperately wanted to bury herself in. She gave Freddie that smile, that dimpled, warm one where her eyes crinkled adorably, and Freddie found herself smiling back, ear to ear, without hiding her teeth.

‘’Oh, hey. Thought I saw familiar faces.” Jane said. ‘’So, uh, doing grocery shopping, hm?”

At least Jane felt just as awkward as she did, Freddie thought with a little smile. She wondered what was the reason behind that- surely not because she felt the same way, right? She probably thought Freddie was straight. She only considered her a friend, there was nothing more to it. But the way she often looked at Freddie… how her eyes remained firmly fixated on her face during that speech about love at first sight… how her eyes lit up whenever she saw Freddie, how she couldn’t hold back a smile… the way her breath hitched when Freddie gave her her jacket on the balcony…

Could it be, that she felt the same for Freddie? Was it really possible, that Jane’s heart beat just as fast, and her head spinned just as dizzyingly whenever Freddie was around? Did she love Freddie as much as Freddie did, despite both of them knowing this was not allowed?

Mark replied something, but Freddie’s mind was miles away. Her eyes wandered to Jane’s cart, spotting a few potted plants.

‘’Are those for your shop?” She asked, nodding towards the flowers. Jane tore her eyes away from her face, following Freddie’s eyes.

‘’No, I got them for my mum.” She explained. ‘’Hydrangeas. Those are her favorites, because they represent family.”

‘’That is really sweet.” Freddie said earnestly. She remembered Jane mentioned she moved back together with her mother a few years ago, after her father died, to keep her company. Freddie thought this was a really noble gesture, and it just made her swoon over Jane even harder.

A blonde woman burst out of nowhere all of a sudden, basically throwing herself at Jane. Freddie felt her eyebrows shooting up to her hairline at the sudden display of affection before her heart dropped down to her stomach.

‘’You’re leaving me out of your chats again? Rude.” The woman grinned, ruffling Jane’s hair who snickered something under her nose. Freddie was fairly certain she was frowning. Who was this woman, and why was she all over Jane? They were clearly close- very close, in fact. Jane never mentioned she was dating anyone, but maybe that was only because she didn’t want to tell her she was dating another woman. Freddie bit down on her lip, hard enough to draw blood. It all made sense now, didn’t it? Jane kept her sexuality a secret, blurting it out to Freddie was only a mere accident. When she was talking about love at first sight, she didn’t mean Freddie. She was talking about this pretty girl. Jane wasn’t in love with her, it was just Freddie’s stupidly hopeful mind playing games with her.

‘’Elaine, this is Freddie and Mark, I talked about them.” Jane said. Elaine’s eyes utterly lit up, grinning at Freddie widely, and Freddie suddenly wanted to trip her.

‘’Freddie, huh?” Elaine all but purred, and Freddie’s frown deepened in confusion. ‘’Oh, Freddie. That’s right. I heard so much about you.”

‘’You did?” Freddie realized her voice was dry, but Elaine didn’t seem to notice, she just kept grinning. Jane shot Elaine a warning look.

‘’We should be moving on,” Jane told her, her voice stern, ‘’the shop opens in an hour…”

‘’Don’t get your underwear in a twist, I just want to congratulate this lovely couple on their marriage.” Elaine said, her grin never fading. Mark thanked her with a smile.

‘’I hereby apologize in Jane’s name for that sweet romance you cooked up failing so hard. I mean, you probably shouldn’t have tried and set your friend up with an obviously gay woman…”

‘’Elaine!” Jane snapped. Mark’s eyes nearly bulged out of his head, before he quickly pulled himself together. Freddie stared at the tiled floor, desperately wishing she was someplace else.

‘’Oh, I… I didn’t know.” Mark stammered, embarrassed. ‘’I’m sorry about Ed, then.”

‘’It’s okay.” Jane replied. Her eyes were shooting daggers at Elaine, who smiled innocently.

‘’And you… are you gay, Elaine?” Mark asked. Freddie gasped at nudged him in the side, shaking her head at him. Mark blinked at her, confused.

‘’Am I gay?” Elaine laughed, throwing her hands in the air dramatically. ‘’I’m ecstatic!”

‘’But you two are dating, right?” Mark continued. Freddie suddenly felt like throwing up.

‘’Mark, stop…”

‘’No, we are not.” Elaine laughed. ‘’I’m not gay, and even if I were, I wouldn’t stand a chance. Jane’s heart loves another.” She winked at Freddie, who felt all the blood rush to her head. Mark remained absolutely clueless, smiling on. Jane elbowed Elaine in the ribs, hard, while her face turned a bright scarlet.

‘’You know what, we really should move along.” Jane all but hissed. Freddie has never seen her this embarrassed before. ‘’It was really great running into you here…”

‘’Oh, why don’t you stay put while I get some eggs?” Elaine chirped. Mark informed Freddie they also needed eggs, and he trotted off along with Elaine, leaving the heavily protesting Freddie and Jane behind.

‘’God, I’m sorry about Elaine.” Jane groaned. ‘’She never knows when to shut up. She’s a nightmare to work with, she chats more with the costumers than selling them flowers.”

‘’So, she’s your colleague?” Freddie questioned. Jane nodded, sighing.

‘’And for some reason, my friend. I hope she didn’t make you feel uncomfortable.”

Only when I thought she was your girlfriend, Freddie wanted to say, but wisely decided not to. ‘’No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

‘’Is everything alright with you?” Jane asked softly, with a slight, worried frown. ‘’I just… I had a feeling you have been sort of avoiding me, lately?”

Well, that was somewhat true. Freddie had been purposefully lousy at texting Jane back in the past few days, mostly because she though that ignoring the problem would make it go away, but apparently, that didn’t work. Whether she avoided Jane or not, she couldn’t avoid her feelings; they were there, whether Freddie pretended they didn’t exist or not.

‘’I’m sorry.” Freddie replied, voice small. ‘’I didn’t mean to offend you.”

‘’I thought it was because of what I told you,” Jane explained, and she sounded a little solemn. ‘’You know, that I’m a lesbian. I thought I freaked you out.”

‘’No, no, not at all!” Freddie was quick to say. ‘’Really, that’s totally okay. I swear it’s not because of that. Life had just been a little busy, that’s all.” She added, which was a complete lie, but it seemed to reassure Jane. Her smile took on that warm edge again.

‘’How are things with Mark?” She asked. There was an emotion in her voice that Freddie couldn’t quite decipher.

‘’Okay, I guess.” Freddie replied. To Jane’s questioning look, she shook her head and forced a smile onto her face.

‘’I mean, they are good, yes. We are good. We are very happy.” It came out very robotic, like she practiced, and Jane didn’t seem convinced, either. All the same, she kept smiling.

‘’That’s good to hear.”

‘’He’s going away on a trip soon,” Freddie blurted out, not exactly sure why. Jane just had that effect on her: she felt like she could trust her, and could tell her everything. They were friends, weren’t they- and that’s what friends did, they told each other everything.

‘’Just five days. He works a lot at the company.”

‘’Will you be alright?” Jane asked gently. ‘’I mean, it must be hard for you, being away from your husband and all that…”

‘’Uhm, I guess I’ll be fine.” Freddie laughed awkwardly. ‘’I have my cats, Tom and Jerry. I believe you saw them at the dinner, at least Tom. He jumped into my lap. Jerry is a little shy, he was probably hiding somewhere.”

‘’I love cats.” Jane said with a smile. ‘’I have one at home too, but she actually prefers my mum’s company, the little traitor.”

Freddie laughed at that. She could feel herself relax, soon every ounce of tension seeped out of her bones as she spoke to Jane. While Jane’s presence often caused her pulsion to skyrocket, she was somehow a grounding, calming presence at the same time. Being with her made Freddie feel safe in a way she never did before.

‘’What’s her name?”

‘’The cat, or my mum?” Jane teased. ‘’My cat is called Coco, and my mum’s name is Esther.”

‘’Both are very lovely names.” Freddie said with a smile. ‘’And I’m sure they are both wonderful. I mean, your mum loves hydrangeas.”

‘’Someone who loves flowers cannot be a bad person, that’s my motto.” Jane grinned. ‘’And yes, my mother is lovely. Even if she can be a little pretentious sometimes.”

‘’Then she’s certainly not as uptight as mine.” Freddie rolled her eyes. ‘’She can get on my nerves quite a bit.”

‘’I can imagine.” Jane chuckled. Her voice turned serious again. ‘’So, you will be spending time with your cats, and that’s that? What about your friends?”

‘’I don’t have many, to be honest.” Freddie admitted quietly. ‘’Actually, I don’t think I really have one.”

Jane reached for her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. Her skin was warm and slightly calloused, causing Freddie’s heart to swell inside her chest.

‘’You have me.” Jane promised. Her eyes sparkled with genuine affection as she looked at Freddie. ‘’If you want someone to talk to, I’m always here.”

Freddie didn’t know why her throat suddenly felt so tight. She swallowed heavily, blinking away a few tears. To be on the receiving end of such kindness felt like soothing balm to her troubled soul. She had a hard time focusing on her anxiety when she had Jane holding her hand and promising her it’s all gonna be alright.

And maybe it will be, eventually. Freddie just had to try and look at Jane as a friend, and forget about the more. She wasn’t sure how that was possible, but she could definitely give it a try.

\--

She didn’t know what has gotten into her when she started searching for porn in the middle of the night, on her phone, locked inside the bathroom while Mark was peacefully sleeping. Maybe it was just the fact, that something has moved inside her; the walls that she put up around herself started crumbling. The door of the closet inched outwards, just a little, and there was a bit of light seeping inside.  
And maybe Freddie believed it would be easier to forget about her feelings for Jane, if she had something to occupy her mind with. A morsel of the cake, still, but something that could quench her for the time being. Maybe it would help her frustrations go away- maybe she would end up realizing she’s not even that into the whole thing, and she could resort to pure, friendly feelings for Jane and nothing else.

But she ended up coming to a very different conclusion altogether- and when she stumbled upon a video with a short-haired woman having sex with a black-haired femme, she turned off her phone with a whimper, burying her face in her hands.

Maybe she was even more lost than she thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in the movie when Rachel watches lesbian porn it's sort of a comedic scene, but I decided to give it a somewhat angstier twist.


	4. I Can't See Me Lovin' Nobody, But You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Freddie and Jane spend a day together, and their time comes with a few revelations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU'RE A WANKER NUMBER NIIIIIINEEEE
> 
> Okay, so considering that what you are about to see, are probably the most iconic parts of Imagine Me & You, I ended up taking some of the scenes word by word, because they carry so much significance!

The smart choice would have been to keep the distance; to stay away from Jane, from the temptation. She had five days for herself at home, it could have been the perfect time to practice some self-control. Instead, the second Jane texted her, asking her if she wanted to hang out a bit, Freddie immediately agreed with a heart that was doing somersaults inside her chest.

Freddie was drawn to Jane, as if she was pulled along by an invisible magnet; every time she tried not to think about her, those dimples and those warm eyes were immediately dancing across her mind again. The last time she tried to avoid Jane by not texting her back caused her physical pain. The more she tried to deny her feelings for her, the deeper she fell.

The worst part was, there was no one she could talk to about this. She didn’t really have any close friends, and her family was clearly off the cards: her parents adored Mark, and they would absolutely oppose to Freddie having feelings for a woman. Maybe Kareem… he was more open-minded, and had always been Freddie’s only confidante, but would he approve of this? Freddie wasn’t so sure. She felt alone with her troubles, except for Jane, but she was the exact subject of her attraction, so she clearly couldn’t have told her. It would be a cold day in hell before she would confess, she hasn’t lost her mind yet! Well, not completely.

And now Jane was picking her up, waiting for her in her ratty old Volvo with that adorable smile, and Freddie was lost again. She wished she could be just a bit stronger, and think this through with a clear head- but she wasn’t able to, not when Jane was around. She slipped into the car at the passenger side, all coherent thoughts flying out the window when she smelled Jane’s perfume. Freddie noted she wore men’s cologne, but it smelled different on her, more unique, mixed with the typical scent of her skin, causing Freddie’s head to swim.

‘’Hello.” Jane greeted her. Freddie stumbled with her seatbelt, having a bit of trouble pulling it over her torso due to her large winter coat. The weather got chilly lately, and Freddie felt like freezing. Jane noticed her struggle and immediately helped her out, buckling her in with a swift, expert move. Freddie blushed, sinking into her seat shyly.

‘’Thanks.” She muttered. Jane just smiled.

‘’You’re welcome. These seatbelts are getting a little rusty. Or maybe it’s just your giant coat.” There was a teasing edge to her voice now, making Freddie chuckle.

‘’Well, it’s cold!” She protested with a laugh. She felt her worries and doubts melt away, slowly but surely. ‘’I wish I could strap a fireplace onto my back in weather like this.”

‘’And it’s not even winter yet!” Jane replied as she started the engine. They rolled out of the parking lot, heading towards their destination. Jane insisted on showing Freddie an ’80s style arcade, and while Freddie had no idea how to even turn on one of those machines, she agreed right away. As long as she was with Jane, it would be surely fun. That woman could make watching paint dry interesting.

‘’What are you gonna wear when the minuses hit? And don’t tell me you will actually try and carry a fireplace around with you.”

‘’I wish I could.” Freddie laughed. ‘’But I will probably end up wearing a tank top layered with a shirt and two sweaters, maybe also a light jacket, under my winter coat. Two leggings beneath my jeans and thermo socks. Gloves and scarves, and a hat.”

‘’You just told me all that, and I already started sweating.” Jane grinned, jokingly tugging on the collar of her coat. Freddie couldn’t help but laugh along.

‘’Are you not the cold type?”

‘’I’ve been told I’m a furnace. I radiate an insane amount of warmth, so not really.”

‘’You could give me some of your warmth, then.” Only after she pronounced the last syllable, did Freddie realize what she just said, and how easily it could be misunderstood. She bit down on her lip, feeling her cheeks heat up with embarrassment. Her mind immediately wandered to fantasy images, where she was cuddled up in Jane’s arms, purring against her warmth…

Jane’s cheeks were also painted in a bright shade of red, and the way she cleared her throat could only be seen as insanely awkward. She kept her eyes firmly on the road, hands gripping the steering wheel tighter.

‘’Sure, I would.” She muttered under her breath, barely audible. Freddie stared out the window, overwhelmed with the sudden urge to bang her head against the glass. Why couldn’t she just keep her mouth shut!? Jane didn’t need to know about her silly little daydreams of their lives together. It was an impossible delusion, that Freddie should forget about, anyway. There was no way Jane felt the same, and even if she did, it couldn’t work between them. There were too many obstacles, and Freddie wasn’t sure if she could ever move past those.

When she turned her head back, her eyes met Jane’s. There was a certain spark in them, and a hint of a smile playing at the corners of Jane’s lips- and once again, despite the embarrassment of the situation, Freddie found herself smiling back.

\--

The tense atmosphere soon dissolved when they arrived at the arcade. Jane wasn’t sure what to make of Freddie’s comment- it could have been totally innocent, just a silly slip of the tongue, nothing to be taken too seriously. But there was that idiotic part of Jane’s brain that desperately hoped Freddie meant exactly what Jane thought she meant. That she wanted to cling to Jane, wanted to bask in her warmth like a kitten. Jane would wrap her into her arms in an instant, hold her close and protect her from the cold. She would do anything for Freddie in a heartbeat, but she needed to be rational and remind herself that Freddie could never be more than a friend to her; she had to make peace with that. So, as a first step towards that particular acceptance, Jane decided to calm down and just have fun with the pinball machines.

‘’Have you ever played something like this?” She asked, leading Freddie over to Flipper. They both shed their coats, and Jane could barely bite back a coo when she saw Freddie bundled up in her soft purple knitted sweater. She was the perfect cozy picture with her oversized sweater and soft hair, completely free of makeup. Jane fought back the urge to squeeze her against her chest with sheer willpower.

‘’When I was a kid, yes.” Freddie replied, eyeing the machine with suspicion. ‘’On my old PC, but never like this.”

‘’I used to come here with my Dad a lot.” Jane smiled. ‘’It was always fun. I’m really glad they kept this place for nostalgia.”

‘’You were really close with your Dad, weren’t you?” Freddie asked softly, placing a gentle hand on her arm. Jane smiled down at her; Freddie was always so sweet and empathetic. 

‘’Yes. He taught me many things, like gardening and the different meanings of flowers. I still miss him every day, but the memories are mostly sweet. I’m very grateful to him, you know? He always accepted me exactly the way I was. My mother does, too, and I love her a lot, but I definitely had a special bond with my Dad. My mother used to try and change me a few times, nagging me to grow out my hair and wear feminine clothes… my Dad was okay with all this from the get-go. He always just wanted me to be myself. Sorry for rambling.”

‘’It’s okay.” Freddie assured her kindly. ‘’I understand. He really sounds like an awesome person.”

‘’I think he would have liked you.” Jane mused with a smile, that only grew wider when she saw the amused blush on Freddie’s cheeks.

‘’What about your mother?” Freddie eventually asked. ‘’Is she more okay with you… being you, now?”

‘’Yes.” Jane said with a fond smile. ‘’We grew really close after my Dad died. She wants me to be happy, I guess that’s why she’s so invested in my relationships all the time.”

‘’I wish my parents were like this.” Freddie sighed. She glanced down, inspecting her boots with a frown. ‘’They never really understood me. Or accepted me, really. I think they are never quite satisfied with who I am, they wish I was somehow different. But I’m trying my best.”

‘’Well, I know it’s easier said than done, but you shouldn’t make yourself miserable just to please them, Freddie.” Jane told her. Now it was her turn to gently touch Freddie’s arm. ‘’What matters, is that you live your life exactly like how you want it. Who cares what anyone else says? Sometimes you’re allowed be your biggest priority. Maybe other people don’t approve of what we do, but if it makes us happy, then why do we have to censor ourselves just to live up to their expectations?”

That seemed to make Freddie think. She closed her eyes with a little hum, then nodded with a faint smile.

‘’I guess you’re right.”

The rest of the afternoon went really well: they tried many different machines, laughing and talking all the while. They even danced along to the music that was playing, to the other guests’ biggest dismay.

Jane felt happy, nearly ecstatic in Freddie’s company. It was so easy to talk to her; the words just flowed. Jane felt like she could trust Freddie with her biggest secrets, and her deepest fears. Freddie made her feel like no one else. She had been in love before, but never this deeply, on such a cellular, all-encompassing level: she had a deeper connection with Freddie in a much shorter time than with anyone before. If Freddie could love her back, they would be that sickeningly sweet couple that finished each other’s sentences, they resonated with each other so well. But they weren’t a couple, and they never would be, and as much as it hurt, Jane had to remind herself that at least she could still have Freddie as a friend- and while there would be still something left unfulfilled, a yearning that was never quenched enough, Freddie would still be close to her.

\--

Being with Jane opened up Freddie’s eyes to so many possibilities: she realized she had been living inside a bubble until now, always just carefully peering outside. Now, it was time to step out of that bubble and discover the world around her at large, and there was no better company on her quest than Jane.

When they overheard a group of men talking about a football match at the arcade, Freddie’s eyes lit up.

‘’I’ve never been to a match before.” She told Jane, nearly vibrating with excitement. She has never been too big on sports, but carpe diem, right? Besides, she didn’t want her day with Jane to come to an end so soon. ‘’I think I wanna see one.”

‘’I like football.” Jane admitted with an easy smile. ‘’I heard two smaller groups are playing tonight, wanna go and see it?”

Freddie nodded with a wide grin, not even bothering to hide her teeth. She still did it sometimes around Mark, but not around Jane. She could be fully herself around her, without having to hide anything.

That’s how they ended up on the bleachers, to root for a team they didn’t even know, in exchange of ridiculously cheap tickets. Freddie didn’t even know what the rules were, but she found herself cheering along with Jane, who got fired up about the game very soon.

‘’Look at that idiot,” Jane huffed, pointing at the player with the number nine emblazoned across the back of his shirt. Sure enough, he didn’t even seem to know how to kick the ball, just scrambling around the field. Even Freddie couldn’t resist yelling at him- maybe it was a bit rude, but it was how you got into the spirit of a match, as Jane told her.

‘’What is he doing?” Freddie laughed, trying to yell over the roar of the crowd. For such no-name teams playing, there was sure a big commotion on the bleachers!

‘’This is ridiculous,” Jane grumbled. She was so adorably frustrated, nearly tearing at her own hair as she watched the football player ruining the entire game. Freddie could barely keep her eyes off her, smiling until her face hurt.

‘’If he doesn’t pull himself together, they would suffer the defeat of a lifetime!”

‘’Someone should tell him!” Freddie laughed. ‘’I keep yelling, but I’m not loud enough!”

‘’You can be, just try a bit harder.” Jane said with a grin, reaching out and gently rubbing Freddie’s back. Freddie swallowed at the touch, blinking up at Jane.

‘’How?”

‘’You need to shout as loud as you can, and project your voice forward.”

‘’Okay… teach me.”

‘’Alright.” Jane said, almost shyly. She cleared her throat. ‘’First of all, you need to tighten your stomach muscles.”

Freddie chuckled. ‘’I don’t think I have any.”

‘’Of course you do, everyone does.” Jane laughed. ‘’They are right here.” She placed her large, warm palm over Freddie’s stomach. The breath hitched in Freddie’s throat at the touch, and her heart fluttered inside her chest.

‘’Tighten them.” Jane instructed softly. Freddie did, feeling her body tremble from more than just extortion. Jane’s hand was resting so casually on her stomach, and they were standing so close again, and God, why did she even want to come to this match in the first place?

‘’Next, pull up your diaphragma.”

To Freddie’s confused look, Jane slipped her hand just a bit upwards, until it rested beneath the curve of Freddie’s chest- and if Freddie had a hard time breathing so far, now she was close to just simply passing out. The way Jane’s hand was on her body, was so simple, yet it carried so much significance. It was so strange, but so familiar- like that hand always belonged there, a missing puzzle piece slipping into its rightful place.

‘’It’s right here.” Jane explained. Her voice was a little shaky, and when Freddie risked a glance at her, her cheeks were pink. ‘’Push it out against my hand. Can you feel my hand?”

Freddie did, it was burning holes through her coat- but it was somehow still not enough. In that moment, something primal inside her spoke up, something that made her forget about Mark, her parents, everything. A little voice that only focused on Jane, and what spoke instead of Freddie’s actual mouth, when she ended up saying: ‘’Maybe if you put both there.”

Jane seemed taken aback for a second, but then she moved behind Freddie, arms wrapped around her torso. Both her hands were resting on Freddie’s stomach now, pressing against her tense muscles. Freddie tried to remind herself this wasn’t really a hug- yet, she found herself basking in it all the same. Jane’s warmth was seeping through her clothes, and for the first time that evening, Freddie didn’t feel cold. She allowed herself to push back against Jane, just a bit, shivering when she felt Jane’s breath on her neck. It was such an intimate way of holding each other: she couldn’t see Jane from that angle, could only feel her body pressing up against hers. And for some reason, Freddie felt safer than ever before in her whole life.

‘’Okay,” Jane croaked, ‘’now you just have to imagine your mouth is like a cathedral. You have to try filling it with sound, and just throw it out forward.”

‘’With tense stomach muscles and a pulled up diaphragma.” Freddie chuckled. ‘’I really am not sure…”

‘’Let me give you an example.” Jane said, and with that, she pulled away from Freddie, taking away her warmth. Freddie mourned the loss of their embrace, but she didn’t have too much time to dwell on it, because right away, Jane took a deep breath, and yelled so loud, Freddie wondered how her eardrums didn’t burst.

‘’YOU’RE A WANKER, NUMBER NINE!!!!!”

Even a few people on the bleachers turned around at the sound, and Freddie just lost it. She laughed so hard that tears spilled from her eyes, doubling over. Jane gave her a sheepish grin and a playful little shrug in response.

\--

They went for a little walk after the match, that number nine ended up losing, anyway. Still, it was worth the effort- especially because Jane had a chance to hold Freddie.

She still thought she was just dreaming, and that she would wake up any second now. She had Freddie in her arms, so delicate and small and perfect against her, her heart beating so hard inside her chest that Jane could feel it thumping beneath her palm. Her own heart acted the same: it was a wonder it didn’t burst out of her chest when her and Freddie were so close. It was a battle to resist the urge to kiss her right there and then, but Jane managed, so far. She wanted to kiss Freddie on so many occasions, but always held herself back, not wanting to ruin what they had.

Her heart was still racing while they walked. Their hands sometimes accidentally bumped together, and Jane didn’t know how to keep functioning like that.

‘’Can you tell me about the different meanings of flowers?” Freddie asked all of a sudden. Jane smiled. It was her favorite topic, and it allowed her to take her mind off the pressing issue of being head over heels for someone unavailable. 

‘’Well, which one would you like to know?” Jane asked. Freddie hummed, thinking. Her breath draw patterns in the evening air.

‘’What about the lily?” She asked. Jane chuckled, gazing down at her feet. She kicked a bunch of soggy leaves out of the way, sending them swirling in the gentle breeze.

‘’You don’t want to know about the lily.”

Freddie scoffed, rolling her eyes, but Jane could see there was no anger in it. ‘’Don’t be mean. I want to know about the lily! It’s my favorite after freesias, and I know all about the freesias!”

‘’They mean happiness, and also friendship.” Jane smiled fondly. She glanced at Freddie, blushing softly when she saw how intense her gaze was. ‘’Ask me about the azaleas instead.”

‘’Okay, what do the azaleas mean?” Freddie asked with a long-suffering, dramatic sigh, making Jane chuckle softly.

‘’If you give someone azaleas, it means you’re wishing them financial stability.”

‘’Oh, I love that!” Freddie grinned brightly. ‘’You gave me freesias when you came over to that awkward dinner, so that means you wished us to be friends, as well as wishing me happiness. Would you give me azaleas, too?”

‘’Sure.” Jane smiled. ‘’Financial stability is a must have, especially in a marriage.”

‘’Yeah, I guess.” Freddie’s voice was a little more bitter, more quiet, and Jane didn’t fail to notice that. She wondered what was going on with Freddie and Mark, because something was, clearly. Maybe Freddie just missed her husband who went away for a few days, or maybe it was something else entirely- all the same, Jane could feel it from the very start, even during the wedding.

‘’Would you give me lilies, too?”

‘’I think I would, you said you like them.” Jane said, a little dismissive. Freddie hummed again, staring ahead quietly for a while.

‘’Now, you must tell me what the lily means.” Freddie ended up insisting. Jane sighed, biting down on her lip. She could come up with a lie, she could say she doesn’t actually know, that she’s in a hurry to get home- but somehow, she found herself unable to do any of this. Instead, she sucked in a deep breath, crossing her arms over her chest to brace herself.

‘’The lily means…” her voice died a little, and she had to clear her throat to continue, ‘’the lily means: I dare you to love me.”

Freddie stopped dead in her tracks, staring at Jane. Her cheeks were flushed red, and her eyes were bigger than Jane ever saw them. She suddenly felt cold, probably as much as Freddie was, and she rubbed her arms to warm herself.

‘’Thanks for the evening,” she said quietly, ‘’I had a lot of fun.”

‘’Me too.” Freddie whispered. She followed Jane to the car, numb, trailing just a few steps behind. Her head was just as dizzy as Jane’s.

\--

Jane walked Freddie straight to the door, and Freddie wondered if she had as much of a hard time saying goodbye as she did. She couldn’t remember the last time she had so much fun, when she felt this free and weightless, like nothing could bother her anymore.

Jane caused her a whole lot of ambivalent feelings: she scared Freddie, but somehow made her brave. She confused her, and yet, at the same time, Freddie felt like everything was clicking into place when Jane was around. Because it made all the sense in the world, didn’t it? She was not in love with Mark, she never was. She loved Jane, with all her heart, from the second their eyes met back at the chapel. Everything made so much sense, the way her heart fluttered when they first met, the instant attraction, the longing for her company, the way her mind opened wide when Jane talked about love at first sight, the way she shivered when they stood so close on the balcony and when Jane held her from behind, the natural way they felt around her, the way her stomach filled to bursting with butterflies when Jane told her about the lily…

They stood, ready to part. They smiled at each other faintly, none of them wanting to go. Freddie’s heart beat so loud, it drowned out every other sound.

‘’I’ll see you around.” Jane said softly. Freddie just nodded, unable to find the words. Her mouth was dry as her eyes drifted towards Jane’s lips. Jane’s eyes shifted, staring at Freddie’s mouth. The silence stretched on, long, heavy. 

Freddie, pulled on by an invisible string, leaned forward, her heart jumping into her throat. Pupils blown wide, Jane moved in to meet her in the middle, their lips nearly brushing, finally fulfilling what they both craved.

Then, a car passed by and the light of the reflectors illuminated their faces, and Freddie pulled back like she was burnt, retreating back to the darkness with panic in her eyes. They were almost caught, someone almost saw them. This was dangerous, she couldn’t do this. She thought she could be brave, but she was wrong. No way she would be able to take such a huge risk. She would ruin everything, her marriage, her family, the comfortable little white picket fence life she built for herself. She may have been miserable, but at least she was safe.

She couldn’t look at the hurt in Jane’s eyes. She mumbled a quick goodnight, all but running inside the house and ignoring Jane calling her name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lily doesn't mean that, actually, I think it's just something the movie came up with, but it's too good.
> 
> And now, things have definitely escalated- please share your thoughts with me!


	5. No Matter How They Tossed The Dice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Freddie and Jane know they need each other- but things seem impossible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, we left off where Freddie nearly kisses Jane and then runs away- here's the aftermath.

Jane stared down at the blank screen of her phone, a deep sigh ripping from her chest. No notifications- no calls, no messages, nothing. Freddie seemed to have cut all ties with her, and while Jane sort of understood why that was, it definitely didn’t hurt any less.

Every time Jane closed her eyes, she saw Freddie leaning in, her plump lips parting and eyes trusting- then the imagine is gone, replaced by the sheer panic on Freddie’s face, the utter horror when she realized she nearly kissed Jane. Jane spent most of her days over-analyzing what happened, but no matter how hard she thought about it, she always had to come to the same conclusion: Freddie was way too scared for anything to happen between them.

She couldn’t even get over the initial shock of Freddie initiating, as well. Freddie, who Jane firmly believed was one-hundred percent heterosexual, nearly kissed her. It wasn’t just a hopeful, silly fantasy of Jane’s: that actually happened. Their lips nearly met, Jane could already feel Freddie’s warm breath on her face, but then that stupid car had to pass and scare Freddie away.

And now, Jane felt like everything was falling apart around her. Freddie ran away, giving no explanation for her actions. She didn’t return Jane’s calls, or responded to her texts. She disappeared off the face of the Earth, and it may have only been days, but Jane hoped they could spend those days together, just the two of them. She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t want to go to Freddie’s house because she didn’t want to ambush her, but this radio silence was killing her. They were so close, and now Freddie slipped away.

‘’Still nothing?” Elaine asked her softly, eyes full of sympathy. She didn’t pull out any of her usual jokes now, clearly understanding how dire this situation was. Jane shook her head with another deep sigh, one eye still kept on the phone just in case, a stupidly hopeful part of her brain still believing Freddie would come back to her.

‘’I don’t know what to do, Elaine.” Jane admitted, the defeat obvious in her voice. She kept pacing up and down, the breeze of her movements fluttering the petals on the flowers. It was impossible to work in this state, with constant anxiety gnawing away at her brain and her heart. She just wanted Freddie back, wanted to figure out what this thing was between them.

‘’It’s still a day until Mark comes back, and I thought we could spend some more time together, you know? But she cut me off completely.”

‘’She probably needs some time to figure out what she wants,” Elaine said softly, patting Jane’s back in a comforting manner. ‘’I mean, I’m not exactly an expert in these things, but she’s probably going through some kind of identity crisis right now, you know, what with being married to a dude and then suddenly wanting to snog a chick.”

‘’Have I been that oblivious?” Jane wondered, tapping her fingers against her chin nervously. ‘’Freddie didn’t seem to be into me, at all.”

Elaine sighed, rolling her eyes slightly. ‘’Honestly, you were pretty fucking oblivious. I mean, I guess the way she kept looking at you wasn’t all that friendly? I was getting vibes, and I’m straight as a board. Can’t believe you, of all people, didn’t notice.”

Elaine had a point, Jane figured. It was a little bit weird, the way Freddie often acted around her, but Jane always passed it off as her natural kindness, nothing too drastic. But maybe there was more to it, right from the start, but Jane sub-consciously ignored it for two reasons. First, Freddie didn’t pass any sort of advances on her, and okay, maybe Jane was a bit oblivious, who needed to be hit over the head with a brick that says ‘’I love you!” for her to actually get it. After so many failed relationships, her perception of these things became a little skewed. And second, there was Mark, Freddie’s husband, who was perfectly kind to Jane, and Jane was paying him back by crushing on his wife. Just wonderful, of course Jane’s brain tried so hard to block it out.

‘’This is such a mess,” Jane whispered, carding an anxious hand through her hair. ‘’I’m in love with Freddie, but I tried to ignore it because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, then she suddenly tries to kiss me out of nowhere, and then just disappears, and now I don’t know where we stand, or what I want! Because if Freddie actually comes out and tells me she loves me, too, then I’m a homewrecker, but if she doesn’t, I… why can’t I have just one normal relationship?”

Elaine cooed softly, pulling her into a hug. ‘’I wish I knew how to help you, sweetie. Only thing I can say, is sometimes you need to do what you actually want, and not what’s right.” She pulled back, bopping Jane on the nose gently. ‘’I gotta step off now, will you be okay alone?”

Jane forced a smile onto her face and nodded. She had to be- she couldn’t keep moping around the whole day. She would wait a few days, until Freddie calms down a bit, and then she will seek her out. From there where they were supposed to go, Jane didn’t know, but it was still a step ahead of waiting around anxiously and beating herself up.

\--

Jane was fine for the majority of the day. She had a few customers who managed to take her mind off Freddie a bit, and so she only checked her phone about ten times. Not too bad, considering she started the morning by checking it fifty times.

She figured the only thing she could do was be patient- Elaine was right, this must have been hard for Freddie. There was always something about her, a certain uneasiness around her husband but Jane could never quite figure out what was wrong. Maybe this was the key- that Freddie didn’t, couldn’t love Mark back the way he loved her. Jane hated herself for her heart beating so hopefully at that thought. 

Who knows, maybe Freddie had been struggling with herself for years, suppressing her real feelings. Jane remembered what she said about her parents, how they wanted her to be someone she wasn’t. Could this be what she was referring to, her family pressuring her into a white picket fence heterosexual life while Freddie longed for something else? Could Freddie have been suffering deeply all along, and Jane didn’t even realize, because she, too, lived in her own kind of denial?

If Freddie had been in the closet for so many years, and it was Jane’s presence that set her off, then it was perfectly clear while she wanted to avoid her, to figure things out on her own. That still didn’t mean Jane’s heart wasn’t in pieces, or that she was any less confused, but at least she had a bit of perspective.

The bell above the door went off, indicating the arrival of another costumer. Jane was currently bent down under the counter, opening a new packet of cords.

‘’Just a second!” She called out. She smoothed down her hair and rose to her feet, putting on her usual service smile- which immediately faded when she came face to face with Freddie.

Her heart dropped at the sight of the other woman, looking even smaller than she was, hunched in on herself and hugging her torso tight as if she was cold. Her cheeks were pale and her eyes sunken in- she obviously hasn’t gotten too much sleep lately. Still, she was so beautiful, so utterly perfect as always, and Jane suddenly forgot how to breathe.

‘’Freddie,” her name was barely a whisper on her lips. She swallowed thickly, trying to pull herself together. ‘’What… hi.”

Freddie didn’t even look at her. Her eyes were cast to the floor, staring at her own feet. Her teeth nibbled on her lower lip anxiously, shoulders pulled tight. She was a tiny ball of stress, and Jane wanted to hold her close to comfort her, even though she needed quite a big amount of reassurance as well.

The silence stretched uncomfortably long. Freddie just stood there, avoiding Jane’s eyes. Jane wanted to say a thousand things at once, but had no idea where to start.

‘’Freddie…” She whispered, a quiet, pathetic little plea. Freddie bit down on her lip harder, hard enough to draw blood.

‘’I can’t be with you.” Freddie blurted out, blinking rapidly against the tears welling in her eyes. The words burnt like acid, scratching her throat painfully. She wanted nothing more than to be with Jane, to be brave and let go of a life that didn’t make her happy, but she couldn’t. It was impossible, because she would cause so much pain: to Mark, to her family, everyone. She would ruin everything.

But she already ruined so much, if the visceral pain in Jane’s eyes was anything to go by. All she did was tearing things apart, that was all she was good at. She was a pathetic train wreck, always has been, too big of a coward to stand up for herself. Jane was better off without her, anyways.

‘’I don’t know what I’m doing, Jane. I just keep messing up.”

Jane sighed, scratching at the back of her neck. She walked out from behind the counter, standing a few steps away from Freddie. When she looked at her again, there was sympathy in her eyes.

‘’I understand how hard it is,” Jane started softly, ‘’how awful it is when you have to hide who you really are. Trust me, Freddie, I get it. I don’t expect you to throw everything away, I just needed an explanation. You… you tried to kiss me, and then you ran away. You’ve been avoiding me for days, and I didn’t know what to make of it. I just need to know what it is that you really want, Freddie.”

‘’You.” Freddie’s voice was choked up, throat constricting. ‘’I want you, but I can’t do this. I’m not like you, I can’t be that brave. I can’t go around, out and proud, because I feel ashamed. Of who I am, and of all the lies, I… just keep hurting people. I hurt you, I’d hurt Mark, I don’t know what to do.”

‘’I want what’s best for you.” Jane told her, barely holding herself back from pulling Freddie into her arms. Right now, that would have been a bad idea, even if Jane ached to hold her close. ‘’I would never make you leave Mark, I would never make you do anything you don’t want. If your decision is to not be with me, I won’t be angry with you. I respect it.”

She ignored the searing pain inside her chest. That was for the best, probably- the idea of hurting Freddie, or making her uncomfortable terrified her. She only wanted Freddie to be happy- and if being with Jane caused her misery, then she couldn’t stand in her way. She had to let her go, even if it broke her.

‘’I’m such an idiot,” Freddie whimpered, burying he face in her hands. She shook her head, feeling the ache settle into her brain. ‘’I fucked up again, I always do…”

‘’Freddie…”

She couldn’t look at Jane, to see the pain in her eyes. It would just be another reminder of her cowardly, stupid actions. She shouldn’t have come here in the first place. Now she hurt Jane, even though Jane only deserved happiness, the best things in life. Much better than Freddie.

She ran out of the shop, slamming the door shut behind her. She leaned against the wall outside, chest heaving. Tears burnt her eyes. Why was she so damn stupid? Why couldn’t she just be brave, for once in her life? Why couldn’t she let go of a life she didn’t even want to live in the first place, and go for one that she yearned for? She loved Jane, more than she loved anyone else. She has never felt this way, this deep, instant connection. Everything made sense after she met Jane, and nothing did, at the same time. Jane was her safe place, and she was also her nightmare, because Freddie couldn’t function properly around her. The more time she spent with Jane, the more she realized what she was missing all her life. It was a constant push and pull of attraction, and Freddie couldn’t hold up against the tide of her feelings anymore. She was madly in love with Jane, and not being with her would shatter her heart, because she was all that she needed. But on the other end of the scale, there was that life she built for herself with Mark, the safe, sensible option that didn’t make her happy, but what her parents and society approved of. Two, vastly different choices, and Freddie found herself torn.

There was only one thing she was sure of, and that was the fact that she needed Jane like she needed oxygen. It was an instinct, something deep and primal that dragged her to Jane even when she promised herself she wouldn’t come crawling back, and it was that same urge that made her run back inside the shop, her brain overcame with a red fog. It was that urge that eventually pushed herself into the arms of a very confused Jane, and what made her press her lips against Jane at last, in a searing, passionate kiss that knocked the wind out of the both of them. They both knew it wasn’t right, that this only did more harm than good, but when an unstoppable force meets and immovable object, there is no going back. 

Jane held Freddie close by the waist with one hand, grabbing at her and pulling her flush against her body, the animal side of her brain taking over. In this moment, there was no time to think about the consequences: the only thing that existed was the wet slide of their tongues against each other, hands desperately clutching at something they couldn’t have.

Jane’s other hand reached out blindly to flip the ‘open’ sign to ‘closed’, before she buried her fingers in Freddie’s hair. Freddie was making those tiny, urgent noises, and Jane’s heart pounded almost painfully fast. She slipped her tongue inside Freddie’s mouth who sucked on it eagerly, her small hands fisted in Jane’s shirt, clinging to her like a lifeline.

A gasp left Freddie’s lips as Jane grabbed the back of her thighs, lifting her off the ground easily. Freddie wrapped her legs around Jane’s waist, holding on tight. Her lips still didn’t leave Jane’s as she was carried off, Jane’s strong arms holding her steady.

A pallet stood in the corner between several buckets of flowers- blood red roses, the flowers of passionate, wild love. Jane placed Freddie down on the boards, before climbing on top of her and claiming her lips again.

None of them stopped to ask what they were doing, mere minutes after they discussed there couldn’t be anything between them. Neither Freddie nor Jane was entirely sure what this was all about: were their kisses fueled by desperation, one last attempt to try and fix something that was already broken? Was this in leu of a love confession, eating each other up on a bed of roses? Was this all they could have, before reality once again came crashing down, the painful realization they couldn’t be together? Was this a steamy goodbye before they eventually had to part, this time for good?

But there was no time for answers, when their bodies slotted so perfectly together. Freddie dragged Jane closer, eyes fluttering shut in bliss as Jane kissed over the sensitive skin of her neck, her breath hot and moist just over Freddie’s pulse point. Jane was a heavy, anchoring weight on top of her, and Freddie suddenly forgot about every single doubt she ever had. All she could focus on was Jane’s lips against her skin, her hands roaming over her body. She wanted more, more of Jane. She flipped them over, tugging on Jane’s bottom lip with her teeth. Jane let out a soft growl, her hands slipping lower to cup Freddie’s butt, pulling her closer until there were no inches left that separated them. They mended together, lost in each other’s warmth. It was perfect, in a way it never has been before.

Suddenly, Jane yelped, and Freddie immediately pulled back with a startled expression. Jane shifted a bit, reaching behind herself and fumbling around. She pulled out a rose, flattened by their combined weight.

‘’Thorns in my bum,” Jane explained, and Freddie burst out laughing, in spite of herself. She pressed her forehead against Jane’s, cheeks flushed from laughter and their earlier activities. Jane laughed along with her, throwing the offending flower away so she could hold Freddie with both arms.

‘’Come here,” she whispered, leaning forward until Freddie was comfortably seated on her lap. Jane snaked her arms around her waist, tilting her head up to plant a much slower, softer kiss on her lips. Freddie hummed in bliss, wrapping her own arms around Jane’s head. The fire wasn’t burning so bright, not with that ever-consuming flame anymore, but it was still sizzling under the surface, ready to be stoked. 

Time stood completely still as they continued to kiss, wrapped up in each other, with no indication to stop. Jane slipped a hand under Freddie’s sweater, then under her shirt, smiling against Freddie’s lips when she remembered how cold the other woman always was. She stopped when she found warm skin, laying her palm flat against Freddie’s lower back. Freddie hummed softly, fingers massaging the back of Jane’s neck. She lightly grazed her nails over the skin, and Jane’s every single nerve ending tingled pleasantly. She kissed Freddie’s plump bottom lip, then dragged her lip across it just slightly, teasingly, until Freddie shivered with the anticipation of wanting more.

The knock on the door sounded like a gun going off in the silence, and they jumped apart quickly. Freddie knocked a few roses off in her haste, straightening her clothes as much as possible. Jane wasn’t in a much better state, either: both of them looked unmistakably crumpled and flushed.

‘’Is anybody in there?”

It felt like a punch to the stomach when Freddie heard his voice. That passionate little bubble burst right away, all the pain and self-doubt rushing back in when Freddie realized it was Mark outside the shop. Mark, the living reminder of her sins, the road blocker to her freedom and her love for Jane- everything that held her back from being who she really was, manifested.

Jane sent her a look, trying to read her reactions. She saw how pale Freddie was, how the fire disappeared from her eyes to be replaced with the same, guttural panic she felt when she nearly kissed Jane after their little rendezvous. 

Jane fixed her hair quickly before she opened the door, forcing on a smile for Mark. She felt awful, looking into the eyes of the same man whose wife she just made out with.

‘’Hi!” Mark greeted her with a smile, ever the oblivious. ‘’Sorry, I saw you were closed but I heard voices from inside, so I thought… Freddie?”

‘’I thought you were only coming home tomorrow.” Freddie whispered. She wondered how guilty her and Jane must have looked, stumbling out of a closed shop in total disarray. Mark chuckled, a little awkwardly, clearly expecting a much warmer welcome.

‘’Well, I wanted to surprise you, coming home a day earlier,” he explained. His eyes drifted from Freddie to Jane and back, and for the first time since Jane knew him, there was something akin to suspicion in his eyes. ‘’I wanted to get you flowers, but I guess you can choose them, since you’re already here.”

Freddie felt Jane’s eyes on her, but she didn’t dare look back at her. She wanted the floor to open up and swallow her whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sad, pining lesbians are kind of my thing.


	6. It Had To Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Difficult decisions are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's angsty time, I'm really sorry. I promise it will get better, eventually.

It hurt. Like a sharp knife piercing the skin, like being struck by lightning and having your entire body paralyzed by the force. It hurt, in the only way a loving heart could, once it was broken, with a searing, all-consuming pain, body, soul, mind, everything throbbing with the terrible ache.

It hurt, but it had to be done.

There would be no real winner in this situation, no matter what Freddie would choose. She wouldn't win, Jane wouldn't, either. It could only end in pain, anyways, so Freddie decided she would pick the outcome where she would hurt the least people. Only the two of them, that is.

She spent the last few days crying, sobbing freely behind the closed door of her bathroom, or weeping silently into her pillow. Mark saw that something was off, but he couldn't get a straight word out of Freddie. How could she even explain, that she cheated on him? That she went behind his back and kissed- even worse, fell in love- with another woman, one that even Mark considered somewhat of a friend? How could she look him in the eye and tell him that she had been lying all these years, that she never truly loved him, because she was messed up, all wrong? Things were already a bit tense since Mark walked in on them. He couldn't have suspected anything, surely, but there was something in the way he looked at and talked to Freddie now that indicated she wasn't completely off the hook. He might have been catching onto something, and Freddie couldn't let the situation spiral more. She had to end it, nip in the bud before it was too late.

After long days of red-rimmed eyes and pale cheeks, nights spent awake mourning a love that never really had the chance to thrive, Freddie has made her decision.

She sent Jane a text, the first one after the little fiasco that went down between them at the flower shop. She asked her to meet up with her- her heart constricted painfully inside her chest when she realized she might be feeding Jane false hope. Blinking against the rapidly welling tears in her eyes, Freddie added "we must talk." She could only hope that was enough indication that something was wrong. She couldn't give Jane her full answer over text; she respected and loved her way more than that.

The day was chillier than the rest, October slowly melting into grey, dull November. Freddie always hated November: that month was like the death of the world. There weren't even colorful leaves on the trees anymore. They were bare and dry, their pathetic little branches sagging with age. The sky was grey, swimming with heavy clouds- it might rain afterwards. Freddie pulled her coat tighter around herself, shivering despite all the layers. Everywhere she looked, she saw the inside of her own heart painted on the endless canvas of the world: grey, dull, lifeless, no more light or warmth.

Jane approached her slowly, carefully, like how you would move around a frightened animal. In a way, Freddie was. A fragile little bird, trapped in the cage of normalities, shivering and hiding behind her wings when someone opened the door to her cage, because she hated being trapped, but she was also scared of flying.

Their breaths made clouds in the air as they stood before one another, neither of them speaking for a while. Jane's cheeks lost some of their usual rosy color, and Freddie hated herself, knowing she was the reason behind her paleness. She hang her head, kicking at a few fallen leaves and dirt on the ground. Her eyes were cloudy, miserable.

Freddie wasn't a much better sight. She looked smaller, more fragile than usual, like a good gust of wind could have knocked her over. She was shivering visibly, bottom lip wobbling- from the cold, or trying to hold back crying, Jane wasn't sure.

After a long, pregnant silence that felt near suffocating, Freddie finally spoke, her words heavy on her tongue.

"We can't do this anymore," she whispered, tears immediately flooding her eyes. She thought she could get through this without crying for once, but it was impossible. She took a shaky breath, lungs aching. "I know I said that back at the shop, too, but I really mean it this time. We need to stop this, whatever this is between us."

Jane didn't reply for a while. Freddie watched her throat move as she swallowed, a muted, slightly choked up sound trapped somewhere around her chest.

"I don't wanna wreck your marriage," Jane ended up saying, still unable to look at Freddie. She knew that if she did, she would break. "I don't wanna ruin your life, either. I only have one question for you, Freddie."

Freddie swallowed heavily. "Which is?"

"What is it, that you really want? What are you dreaming of at night, when you imagine a future for yourself? What do you see- and I don't wanna hear what your parents wanna see, or what Marks wants to see, or what you feel is appropriate. I want to know, what YOU want. If there were no more barriers, if you could have anything in the world."

She finally gathered enough strength and looked up at Freddie. She bit down on her lip, hard, to keep herself from breaking down completely.

Freddie needed several seconds before she managed to form the words. Now it was her, that avoided Jane's eyes. "You know what it is," she whispered, brokenly, "I already told you back at the shop."

"Tell me again." Jane said, steeling herself against the raging storm of emotions inside her. She could get through this, even if her heart was in shreds.

A teardrop landed on Freddie's face. She brushed it away with a shaking hand, breath stuck in her throat. "You," her voice was barely above a whisper, and she wasn't even sure Jane heard her. "It's you, Jane. There's nothing in this world that I want more than you, but I can't have you. I can't have you, because..."

She clasped a hand over her mouth, trying to get her breathing under control. Jane moved instinctively, her hands itching to reach out and hold her in her arms, like so many times Freddie was feeling down. Jane always just wanted her to feel the most comfortable, to be able to wipe that sad look off her face and replace it with another, beautiful smile.

"I can't have you," Freddie continued, vision blurring from the tears. "I can't have you, because I'm not as brave as you. I'm not... I'm not comfortable with who I am, Jane. I tried, believe me, I tried, over and over again, to accept myself the way I was, but I never could. It was a constant struggle, and I'm still fighting with myself, but... you... you came, and... for a second I believed things could be like that. That I can breathe after suffocating for so long. That I can... I can be myself, really, this time, and love you the way you deserve, but I guess I'm just not that brave. No, I'm a coward, and I'm so sorry, that I can't give you what you need!"

"Don't say that," Jane said softly, reaching out a tentative hand, the tips of her fingers barely brushing Freddie's shoulder in an attempt to comfort her. "You're not a coward for having a hard time coming out. I understand that it's hard, it wasn't always easy for me, either. We all go through this, some of us need more time. There's nothing shameful about this."

"Still, I couldn't be with you the way you wanted. Because I almost kissed you once, after we had that amazing date, and then I ran away because a car passed by and I was afraid someone would see us. Then I tried to leave you, but I couldn't, I jumped on you like an idiotic, horny teenager, and I finally kissed you, but then Mark came back, and he reminded me where I belong. I'm married. I took my wedding vows, I promised to stick by his side through everything, until death do us part. I've been with him for four years now, I can handle some more. I can't hurt Mark."

"But you are not happy," Jane reminded her gently, "you never were. Is this how you really wanna spend the rest of your life? Living with someone you can't truly love back, and always wondering what could have been?"

Jane really was hitting the nail on the head, Freddie was aware. She had already been living her life like that, miserable, and always longing for something else. In a sick, disturbing way, she was almost used to it by now. There wasn't really much she could do, anyways- she could never be as brave as Jane, who was so perfectly comfortable with her sexuality, going around with her butch clothing and never once questioning herself, even when people sent her pointed looks. Jane, who, while mostly quiet and humble, wasn't afraid to take up place, yelling on the top of her lungs during a football match, just to teach Freddie how to. Jane, who knew exactly, what she wanted - and on the other side of the same coin, there was Freddie, full of doubts and fears, pinned down by the weight of many insecurities. Freddie, who was never sure what she wanted, where her place was in this world. She wished to be more like Jane, but she knew she couldn't.

Jane watched her, intently. She studied Freddie's expressions, saw the flicker of hope dying out before sparkling up again, only to be clouded again by self-doubt. Other than obviously feeling sorry for herself, as one would when they got their heart broken into pieces, Jane's heart went out to Freddie the most. She wished, with all her soul, that she could help her somehow. That she could fix all the pain and worry just by a hug, or a kiss. Jane wanted to help, for both their sakes, but she wasn't really sure how.

"It's not just Mark that I don't wanna hurt," Freddie continued silently. A few other people came filing in to the park, but they were too far away to hear their conversation. Freddie took a deep breath.

"I love you, Jane Hutton. I've never loved anyone like this, I'm sure of it. The second I saw you at the chapel, when our eyes met... it was exactly like how you said, about love at first sight. I just knew. I knew, that me and you, we are meant to be. I felt like, like, I found my soulmate, you know? Or even better, like I found myself, with you."

For the first time in a long time, she managed a small, shaky smile. Jane returned it, some of the color seeping back into her cheeks at Freddie's words and the memories they woke up.

"It was this crazy, instant connection. It was true love, at last."

"That's how I feel, too." Jane told her, the corner of her mouth twitching. "It was you, that I was talking about in that silly monologue. It was you, that I fell in love with so quickly and so deeply. I love you too, so much."

Freddie found herself smiling through the tears. No matter what happened next, they had this. They had these memories, this undying connection between them. Even if they were worlds apart, even if they were with someone else, no one could take this away from them. They would always be tied together by that invisible string.

"That is exactly why I can't keep playing this game with you," Freddie continued with a deep sigh. In the background, kids were playing, kicking their ball with cheerful yells- a perfect contrast to what Freddie and Jane felt, a splash of color against the greyness of their hearts.

"I can't keep hurting you too, Jane. Because I am."

"No, Freddie, you..."

"I am. Please, don't try and make me feel better about this. I know that I hurt you. I know, every single time your cheeks grow a little paler, or your eyes lose some of their spark. I cannot keep my eyes off you, do you think I didn't notice that inner turmoil you keep going through, because of me? I hurt you, because you deserve to be with someone who isn't afraid of her own feelings. You deserve real, true love. Where you don't have to hide. Where your love doesn't carry so much baggage around- you sure as Hell deserve someone who doesn't have a husband on the side."

Letting out a deep sigh, Jane nodded. That was true, as awful as it was to admit it. Jane was, in fact, hurting. She really did love Freddie, and wished they could be actually together, and yes, it was killing her inside that they couldn't. It hurt when Freddie ran away and cut her off, even that mesmerizing kiss at her shop hurt, because she finally got a taste of a cake she wasn't allowed to eat. Every slide of their tongues against one another, every nip of the teeth and every wandering hand was just another reminder of what they couldn't have. Thorns of a rose, beautiful but digging into the skin painfully.

"So, what now?" Jane asked quietly, rubbing her hands together to warm them up. Suddenly, she felt much colder, like her heart was surrounded by ice.

Freddie closed her eyes, hugging her torso tighter. She didn't want to say the last words. They burnt like acid, and Freddie's throat convulsed around them. She wished she could just stop time right away, and erase anything else that could happen. She wanted to still this moment, to be with Jane a little bit longer. She didn't want it to end, because she was so, so deeply in love, and being around Jane made her feel alive at last. But she couldn't be selfish. This wasn't good to anyone involved.

‘’I think we should stop seeing each other,” Freddie uttered the words, chest tight and burning with pain. ‘’No more contact. We would fall back into each other again.”

Jane blinked away a few tears, which Freddie didn’t fail to notice. With trembling, pale fingers, she gripped Jane’s hand- one last touch to send her on her way. She let her own tears stream down her face freely. There was no need to hide the pain, Jane felt it, too. But ripping the band-aid off was necessary to spare them from even more, outstretched, years-long suffering. They had to part now, before they fell so deep that it would be too late, and there would be more broken hearts along the way.

‘’I’m sorry,” Freddie whispered, her voice choked up. ‘’I love you so much, but I can’t…”

‘’I know.” The sigh Jane let out was pained, shaky. She wiped at her eyes. ‘’I know, and I understand. I told you: I would never force you into anything. At the end of the day, you are the one with the most to lose. I can’t make you leave Mark, I would never forgive myself for ruining what you have. I never wanted to hurt you, Freddie. That is why I never made a move, because I didn’t want to mess it up for you. I wanted you to grow into the person that you could be, not what other people want you to be. But, as I said, it is your decision. And I’ll respect it, because I love you. And I want what’s best for you. And if right now, being away from me is what would help, then I will happily go away.”  
She took a few steps closer to Freddie, catching a whiff of her sweet scent. Despite everything that happened, Jane found herself smiling, even if that smile had a bitter edge to it. 

‘’I want to give you something. As a goodbye gift, because I was prepared for this.” Jane admitted. She had a feeling that was why Freddie called her here- she silenced the silly, hopeful part of her heart that whished for more. Nothing could have drastically changed in just a few days, that’s not how the world works. If this was a fairytale- which it wasn’t, they both had to realize that-, Freddie would have gone home to Mark after their kiss and packed her bags to fly right into Jane’s arms. Instead, here they were.

From the pocket of her coat, Jane pulled out a white chrysanthemum. It was slightly pressed due to the heat, the petals wilting a little. Jane nearly dropped it from how her hands were shaking, as she tucked the flower behind Freddie’s ear, using Freddie’s hairpin to keep it in place.

She barely pulled back, and Freddie grabbed onto the lapels of her coat, dragging her back into a bone-crushing hug. She clung to her, desperately- not wanting to let go, but knowing it was the right thing to do. She was torn and beaten down, like the white chrysanthemum, the symbol of goodbye, tangled in her hair.

Jane wrapped her arms around her, holding her tight, for probably the very last time. She had to make the most of it, so she cupped the back of Freddie’s head, running her fingers through the soft black curls. Freddie rested her chin on her shoulder, shivering in Jane’s embrace.

‘’Don’t forget me.” Jane whispered, voice croaked through the tears. Freddie sniffed, holding on tighter.

‘’I won’t remember anything else.”

They stood there for what felt like hours, trying to store as much of each other as possible, memorizing the other woman’s warmth. Breaking up with someone always hurt- but what to say about a relationship that wasn’t really a relationship yet, which ended before you could fully commit to it? How were you supposed to let go of someone that was never truly yours?

Jane pulled back, agonizingly slowly. With every inch further from Freddie, her heart grew all the heavier. She squeezed Freddie’s hand one last time, sending her a hug that was supposed to be reassuring, but Jane wasn’t sure it had the desired effect.

She kept looking back at Freddie over her shoulder as she walked away, and Freddie stared after her, so small and lost and alone.

\--

Mark immediately noticed something was wrong when Freddie got home, but she wouldn’t say what. Her face was soaked with tears, and there was a sad little flower in her hair, which definitely wasn’t there when she left in the morning. Something was off with her wife for a while now, but Mark didn’t know what. Freddie barely talked to him- she had a tendency to be a bit distant sometimes, but never this much. She shut him out, completely.

When he tried to hug her, Freddie pushed him away and ran into the bathroom sobbing, locking the door and Mark out with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the entire dialogue in this scene to fit my context a bit better, but I still broke my own heart.


	7. The Only One For Me Is You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane needs some time alone, and Freddie's mask starts falling apart, piece by piece.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why the words flow easier when I'm writing on my phone, in my bed, but somehow they do! So, here we go! Warnings for the d slur.

Esther Hutton watched her daughter with concern. It's been - luckily - a while since she's seen her so grim, so lost. It broke her heart to see Jane in this state again.

"Are you sure this is what you wanna do?" She asked as Jane pulled a few more clothes out of her closet, folding them neatly and packing them into her suitcase- the floral printed one that she always felt so ridiculous carrying around. She must have been really beaten down, if not even that suitcase could phase her.

"There's nothing else I could do." Jane replied grimly. She came across the blue vest she wore for Freddie's wedding, and her chest tightened painfully. She shoved the garment as far back inside the closet as she could, unable to look at it anymore.

The Sun has stopped shining since her and Freddie split up. Jane got her heart broken many times, but she has never felt like this, so utterly in pieces. Freddie was different, more than anyone Jane has ever dated- Jane felt like she found her soulmate in her, that certain missing piece. Freddie was someone Jane could easily imagine living the rest of her life with - and look how that ended. With the both of them alone and filled with heavy sorrow.

Jane didn't blame Freddie. She wasn't mad at her, not at all. As much as it killed her, she knew she couldn't force Freddie into anything, and she wouldn't even want to. She couldn't make these decisions for her, she had to let Freddie choose her own ending of the story.

And Freddie did. She chose Mark, and a miserable, closeted life with it. Jane wished she could be the knight in shining armor and rescue the sad Princess, but real life didn't work that way. The Princess was too scared to leave, and the dragon guarding her wasn't really a dragon, as he loved and cared for the Princess, without realizing her heart never belonged to him. It was a messy, depressive situation, and Jane figured it was really for the best to leave it alone, even if it ripped her heart to shreds.

She needed to get away, for a while. She needed to leave all this heartache behind- go on a cleansing trip, if you may. Everything reminded her of Freddie here.

"And where do you want to go?" Her mother asked, rising from the bed. She walked over to Jane, placing a hand on her shoulder.

"I think I'm gonna go back to Ireland." Jane replied, avoiding her mother's eyes. She knew she would start sobbing otherwise. "Visit the extended family. Get some fresh air."

"Then I'm going with you."

"No, Ma." Jane smiled faintly. "You need to stay here, and enjoy your date."

Her mother finally got herself a nice man, years after her father's death. She was finally moving on- Jane needed to do the same.

"You're more important." Esther protested weakly. "I don't want to you to be all alone."

"I'm going to be fine." Jane promised, not sure if she was really reassuring her mother, or herself, actually. "I need to get away a bit. From all this mess."

Her voice quivered, and she sucked in a shaky breath. The hand on her shoulder squeezed a little tighter. Jane blinked against the tears in her eyes.

"What am I doing wrong?" She whispered brokenly. Esther sighed, reaching up to cup her cheeks. Jane looked so much smaller, so much weaker, the weight of her heart pulling her down.

"Nothing, love." Esther promised, wiping away a few stray tears off Jane's cheek. "This is a battle Freddie needs to fight with herself. You couldn't do anything more here."

Just because this was the truth didn't mean it hurt any less. Jane threw her arms around her mother, pulling her into a hug. She clung to her, like she used to do when she was a child, needing comfort.

"I love her so much, Ma." Jane wept, burying her face in Esther's shoulder. Esther nodded with a sigh, rubbing her back.

"I know, Janey. I know you do."

They stood like this for a while, just holding onto one another. Coco, the chubby cat of the household must have sensed the tension in the air, because she rubbed up against Jane's shin, purring. Even through the tears, Jane managed a smile.

"Come here, you ball of lard." Jane said affectionately, grabbing Coco and lifting her into her arms. She squeezed her close, burying her face in her soft fur.

"I'm gonna take good care of her while you're away." Esther said quietly, accepting her daughter's decision. Jane gave her a grateful smile, one hand holding the cat, the other reaching out to squeeze her mother's shoulder.

"I won't be away for too long. Can't leave the shop alone with Elaine for weeks on end." Jane rolled her eyes fondly, thinking about her goofy friend who always got her back. At least she had her, her mother, and Coco, if nothing else. "I'm thinking maybe a week. Hopefully it will be enough to clear my head a bit."

She wasn't exactly sure about that, but she rather kept that part to herself. Jane had no idea if she will ever be able to get over Freddie. What she felt for the other woman was so deep- a quicksand, grabbing her immediately and pulling her down, with no chance to get out. She fell for Freddie, right away, fell in love with her so deeply, and now there was no way she could move past that, not in the foreseeable future, at least. But she had to at least try, if she didn't want to go insane and live the rest of her life in heartache.

"There's a flight tomorrow morning," Jane told her mother. "And I'm getting on it."

Esther smiled, a little sadly. "Whatever helps you, Jane."

Jane hugged her again with a deep sigh. Over Esther's shoulders, she eyed the ugly floral suitcase with her half packed clothes. Whatever. She was willing to make that sacrifice, if it meant mending her broken heart.

She just wished that was still possible, somehow.

\--

Freddie had been a dull, grey thundercloud since she's last seen Jane. She was more quiet than usual, a looming presence with all the colors drained from her. She barely talked to Mark, or anyone, really. She was just an empty vessel for a dying soul, a small ball of pain.

Mark tried to ask her about it, but Freddie refused to tell him the truth about what was bothering her. Of course, she didn't tell him- how could she? She felt awful for cheating on him, for everything that happened. All the pain she already caused. How could she look him in the eye after all that?

Mark's method of cheering her up was either trying something sexual which Freddie was even less in a mood for than usual, or, like tonight, inviting his own best friend over who he believed was such a fun guy that he could make even a heartbroken Freddie laugh. And sure, Freddie didn't exactly hate Ed, but she didn't even particularly need his company.

She picked at her food, pushing it around her plate. Her stomach was too small to handle anything, anyways. Ed didn't seem to pick up on the tense atmosphere. He chattered away, like nothing was wrong in the world. Well, for him, there wasn't. Freddie, on the other hand, felt like dying.

"So, there's this new girl that I'm trying to woo." Freddie faintly heard Ed say, through the filters of her own misery. She rolled her eyes subtly. The last thing she needed to hear about right now was Ed's newest conquest.

"Finally getting over Jane, then?" Mark chuckled. At the mention of her name, Freddie's fork scraped against the plate. The sound was defeaning, causing both men to wince. Mark sent Freddie a strange look, but she didn't raise her head, continuing to mope behind the thick black curtain of her hair.

"Probably having more chances with someone who's not a bull dyke, I figure." Ed chuckled, and Mark laughed with him. Anger bubbled inside Freddie's chest. She slammed her fork down, causing Ed to jump in his chair a bit. For the first time during that dinner, she looked up, glaring diggers at him.

"Don't call her that!" She snapped, shaking with anger. Ed visibly shrunk under her dangerous looks.

"I..."

"Is it funny for you boys?" Freddie continued, snarling. She didn't know what has gotten into her; hearing Ed say that about Jane, in that mocking voice, made bile rise up in her throat. She was also like that- maybe less subtle, but she was. Her and Jane, they were considered laughing stocks. And Freddie was way too much at the end of her tether to swallow quietly.

"Is it funny? Laughing about gay women?"

"Freddie, it's just a joke, it's not a big deal." Mark tried, but Freddie shot him down right away.

"It is a big deal, for me. You can't talk about... You can't talk about anyone like that. Especially Jane."

She bit down on her lip, hard enough to draw blood. She grabbed onto her own knees under the table, trying to regain a normal breathing pattern. Great, now she made a spectacle of herself. She felt Mark's eyes on her, but she didn't dare look at him.

There was an awkward silence for a while, before Ed dared speak again.

"Uhm... Yeah, so. I went to the floral shop she works at to get a nice bouqet of roses for this girl- and I wanted to talk to her, specifically, because she's really good at this flower stuff. But she wasn't there, it was that other chick that told me Jane will be going away."

Freddie's heart dropped to her stomach. An uncomfortable feeling settled inside her, causing the fine hairs on her arm to stand on end. She didn't like the sound of this.

"Away?" She repeated numbly, much quieter than her initial outburst. Ed nodded.

"Yeah, on some kind of trip to Ireland or Scotland or wherever. She didn't tell when she was coming back."

The room spun with Freddie, and she had to grab onto the edge of the table before she passed out. No, this couldn't be happening. She didn't want Jane to leave - this was never her intention. She didn't want to chase her away and make her leave everything behind. God, this was all her fault. She broke Jane's heart so bad, she had to leave the country to heal. She was truly the most terrible human being on this planet.

"When is she leaving?" Freddie asked, leaning closer to Ed over the table. Ed pulled back, a bit startled by the sudden change in her demeanor.

"Erm..."

"She must have told you, Elaine and her are best friends!" Freddie was faintly aware of the desperation in her voice. "When is Jane leaving England? Ed!"

"Freddie, calm down." Mark said, his voice strangely strict. He stared at Freddie, eyes narrowed into slits.

"I need to know!" Freddie continued to beg, uncaring of making a fool of herself for the second time that evening. "Please, Ed..."

"I think she said tomorrow morning." Ed said, utterly confused. He looked at Mark for help, but his friend continued staring at Freddie, mouth pursed into a thin line.

"Thank you." Freddie whispered, her mind already elsewhere. She had to do something. She couldn't let Jane just up and leave...! Could she?

After all, she was the one that ended things between them. She was the coward, she had no right to keep her back. But... she loved Jane, there was no doubt about that. And the idea of maybe losing her forever- because who's to say she wouldn't stay in Ireland- terrified her. She loved Jane so much, and she simply couldn't lose her like that. She was such a coward, and she ruined everything. She had to come up with something before tomorrow morning- she wasn't sure what, but she knew she couldn't let the best thing that ever happened to her slip away like that.

Her eyes met Mark's. Her husband's eyes flickered with an emotion- hurt, maybe. And something else Freddie couldn't decipher. She swallowed thickly, heart pounding inside her chest.

\--

They didn't speak a word to each other after Ed was gone. They washed the dishes and went about their evening routine in complete silence. Freddie was growing more and more uncomfortable. Something wasn't right, she could sense it.

They were heading to bed, when Mark finally spoke, tearing off Freddie's mask with one simple question.

"You're in love with her, aren't you?"

Freddie was certain her heart stopped. She could feel it coming to a halt inside her chest. All the blood rushed to her head, and she felt dizzy. She felt like she was going to pass out. Her vision swam, Mark growing into a blurry splotch in front of her eyes.

"Jane." Mark clarified, staring at her pointedly. "I figured something was going on, but I wasn't sure what. I saw how close you were, and I was happy at first, because I thought you found a friend..." He took a deep, shaky breath, collecting himself. "But then it was just... different. You spent so much time together, and you were so happy with her, but then you acted so strange with me after you came home. You preferred her company over mine, and I was like, fine, it's a girl thing, it must be, and you're probably sad because I have to work so much, I thought we were drifting apart because of my job, but... it was really all about Jane. I brushed it off at first, because it didn't make any sense, but then I looked closer, and I could see it."

He blinked, shaking his head. Freddie curled up on the bed, knees drawn to her chest. She tried so hard to avoid hurting Mark, that she ended up doing it all the same.

"The way you looked at her... you never looked at me like that. And then I come home, and I catch you with her at the shop, looking like you two just made out with each other."

"Mark..." Freddie whispered, but it was futile, she knew. What was the point of lying anymore? Mark had it all figured out. He saw through her lies at last.

"Just tell me one thing, Freddie." A tear rolled down Mark's cheek. "Did you ever love me?"

Freddie's lip wobbled, tears streaming down her face. She hid her head between her knees- her silence was all the answer Mark needed.

"If you just told me, in the beginning," Mark was openly crying now. Freddie never saw him crying before. "You waited years, you let me propose to you, you married me, all the while you were... you were... gay. You made a fool out of me."

"I'm so sorry," Freddie whimpered, hugging her knees tighter. Her body trembled, and she couldn't look Mark in the eyes again. "I really am."

"I'm not mad at you." Mark said, wiping at his eyes. "That's the worst fucking part. I tried so bad to be angry with you, I tried to hate you, but I can't. I just feel sorry for you. That you're so scared of being yourself that you keep lying instead. To me, to yourself. To everyone. You would rather live an unsatisfactory life with someone you don't even love, than face your fears."

"I do love you..."

"But not like that. This is a marriage, Freddie. I don't need someone who loves me like a friend, or a brother. I need someone who feels like they found their other half with me. And you're not that person."

He sat next to Freddie on the bed, sighing. "Because your other half, she's leaving for Ireland tomorrow. I tried to hate her too, you know. Because she came into our lives and stole you from me. But then I had to realize, she can't steal something that has never been mine."

Freddie finally risked a glance at him. His face was a mess of tears, and Freddie hated herself for hurting him. She failed her own game- she tried to spare him by sending Jane away, and she ended up losing the both of them. Maybe it was karma, in a way.

She placed a tentative hand on his back, waiting for him to pull away. He didn't, so Freddie held him close instead.

"I'm sorry," she told him again. Mark wrapped his arms around her, sniffing.

"Me too. But it is what it is. I can't keep suffocating you. You need to do what you actually want."

"I think it's a little too late for that." Freddie sighed. Mark squeezed her hand fleetingly.

"Don't say that. You still have time until tomorrow morning."

"Mark..."

"You need to go after her, Freddie. That is the only way you can be happy."

That was true, at least. But didn't she botch that up completely already? Would Jane even want to come back to her, after everything? She must be so heartbroken. Why would she want to be with someone like Freddie, who kept her at an arm's length all along? What changed now?

Everything, apparently.

Because as much as she hated herself for breaking Mark's heart, too, him finding out the truth felt like a huge weight had been lifted off her, at last. She didn't have to hide anymore, not from him. He found out, and he took it much better than Freddie expected. He was broken, of course, but he didn't hurl insults around, didn't try to manipulate Freddie into staying. He knew he has lost this game, and there was no point in continuing whatever this sorry excuse of a marriage was between them.

She could have just told him. She could have been brave and faced him like an adult, but instead she waited until Mark figured it out for himself. It was a strange mix of self-hatred and relief she felt. She wasn't sure how else to handle a situation like that.

All she knew is that Mark was right. Jane was the one for her, and she had to go after her. She had to at least try- she owed everyone whom she dragged into this situation, this much. She owed it to Jane, to herself, Hell, even Mark. She needed to put the past behind herself, and finally open up herself to the future.

It was time to be brave, at last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's very hard for me to write Mary as decent, but I'm powering through.


	8. And You For Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Freddie has one last important thing to do before going after the girl she loves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting closer and closer to the finale- and we're having more confessions!

Maybe Freddie didn't love Mark, in the romantic sense, but she did grow attached to him as a friend, a confidante. They spent so much time together, and though Freddie could never return his feelings the way she was supposed to, they still had a strong bond: it wasn't that big of a surprise that tears were involved when Mark left in the morning- he would go to work, and wouldn't come home afterwards.

"I'm sorry, for everything." Freddie told him genuinely, wiping at her eyes. Mark gave her a small smile, blinking fast against his own tears.

"You don't have to be."

"No, I do. You were right, if I told you sooner... I would have saved everyone from so much heartache."

"Well, we can't change what was in the past." Mark sighed. He crouched on the floor before Freddie who was perched on the edge of the bed, small and uncertain. "I love you, Freddie. That's why I want what's best for you. It's killing me to know I'm not that, but I would be a right monster if I held you back. You need to go after Jane, and fix this."

He lifted Freddie's chin with his finger when she hang her head, making her look him in the eyes. "And I'm sorry, too. Because I should have noticed it sooner. Should have asked you about it. But I guess I was selfish, and couldn't handle the idea of losing you."

Freddie gave a small, self-deprecating chuckle. "Some pair we make, huh?"

Mark laughed, a little wetly. He pulled Freddie into a hug, rubbing her back gently. Freddie sighed, leaning her head on his shoulder. Mark was right, there was no use in dwelling over the past: their relationship couldn't be fixed, because Freddie's heart couldn't be changed into something it wasn't. They were doomed to fail, from the beginning. But her and Jane... Maybe there was a chance, there. Their love was real, the only obstacle being Freddie's fear. If she finally pulled herself together and became brave at last, she could still mend the broken pieces.

She spent last night browsing for flights. She didn't want to call Jane, because there was a chance she wouldn't answer, which she had every right to do. If she was going away because she wanted to put the Freddie - drama behind her, then talking to her on the phone was clearly the last thing she wanted. Freddie found a cheap flight leaving to Ireland at 9:30 from the airport. There was nothing else heading there in the morning but this one, so Freddie had a flicker of hope.

"What are we gonna do?" Freddie asked quietly after they pulled away. Mark gave her a slightly confused look, so she clarified. "We need to get divorced, don't we?"

That would be a final nail in the coffin for their relationship, but they both knew they had to do just that. Hanging onto something that wasn't working was meaningless.

"Let's talk about that after you talked to your... After you talked to Jane." Mark said. He clearly couldn't make himself say the word 'girlfriend'. Freddie didn't blame him: after all, he did get cheated on with her.

They gave each other one last hug before they both got in the car. Freddie checked the time on her phone: it was 6:30 in the morning. She took a deep breath, pressing her forehead against the car window. There was something else she needed to do before she went after Jane; one last cleansing of her soul, if you may.

"It's gonna be okay." Mark said, giving her a small wave as Freddie was dropped off at her destination. Freddie nodded, swallowing thickly. Her entire body was shivering, and she hugged her torso tight. She was worryingly close to passing out.

Mark drove off, and Freddie stared after his car solemnly. So, this was it. The door to her cage started creeping open. Now, she just had to open it fully.

This was already a chaotic morning, considering she did break up with her husband for another woman, while getting ready to track down that aforementioned paramour, but the worst was still yet to come. At least, Freddie definitely considered it the worst.

She stared at the door in front of her, chewing on her bottom lip nervously. Just a few years ago, her and Mark walked through that door to announce they were getting married. They were welcomed by bone-crushing hugs and cheers, a flood of congratulations. Mark wouldn't be with her this time- he never would, again. He would never set foot into this house again, and the thought caused another wave of self-hatred to wash through Freddie. She truly ruined everything, didn't she? She broke Mark's heart, and had him exiled from the family, even though she was at fault, not him. She would be walking through this door with another announcement, this time to explain why Mark wouldn't come with her anymore. She wasn't sure if she could do this. Maybe there was still time to call Mark back and tell him they should try after all, so many closeted gay people lived in straight marriages...

No. No, she promised herself she would be brave at last. She needed to let go of things that didn't make her happy, and needed to let those in that did. She had to break up with Mark, and had to get Jane back for her own heart to heal. Jane once told her she was allowed to think of herself before anyone else, that she was allowed to ignore what other people thought and to follow her own heart. This was the time she had to start.

She took another deep breath, and turned the key in the lock. It took her a couple times to insert it right, as her clammy hands were shaking. She slipped inside the house, heart beating hard inside her chest. It was still dark, which made sense- her parents were probably still sleeping.

She heard soft footsteps, and then someone turned on a light switch. Kareem stood before her, his hair a right mess as he blinked, trying to make sense of his surroundings.

"Freddie?" He asked blearily when he spotted his sister. "What are you doing here at this ungodly hour?"

Last chance to run away, Freddie thought. Last chance to make up a story about why she was here, instead of telling the truth. The very last chance to steer her life back into its general direction.

She looked at her brother, sticking her nose in the air. She gathered all her courage, ignoring those voices that kept trying to talk her out of this.

"I need to talk to you," she ended up saying, hoping that the tremble in her voice wasn't too obvious. "You, and Mama, and Papa."

"Is something wrong?" Kareem asked, worried. He gave Freddie a look, regarding her from head to toe. "Did you and Mark break up?"

Freddie sighed deeply. Before she had a chance to answer, her parents poked their heads out of the bedroom, looking as pissed as someone would when they were woken up on their day off, in the early morning.

"Freddie, what is going on?" Bomi grumbled, rubbing the sleepiness away from his face. "Did something happen?"

"You could say that." Freddie whispered, staring down at her shoes. Facing her parents made her stomach shrink into a tiny ball of nerves, but she couldn't back out now. It was now or never.

Jer reached out to touch her forehead, as if Freddie running a fever would have been enough reason for her to come here so early, waking everyone.

"Beta, you're scaring me." Jer said, concerned. "Are you sick, my dear?" Her eyes widened, and she gasped. "Oh, dear God, you're pregnant!"

"What!?" Freddie squeaked. Jer practically bounced in one place.

"This is what it's about, isn't it? You coming here and wanting to tell us something. And you're so pale, I remember, I used to be so fatigued with you..."

"Mama, no..." Freddie tried, but Jer wouldn't let her speak.

"... And I was always up this early, because morning sickness wouldn't let me sleep. I get it now, oh, my sweet girl."

She tried to hug Freddie, but she stepped back, shaking her head. Jer looked confused, while Bomi looked like he didn't even register anything Jer said, still half-asleep.

"Mama, please," Freddie said, holding her hands up. "You need to hear me out, okay? Just this once, let me do the speaking."

"Come on, why don't we all sit?" Kareem offered, laying a hand on Jer's shoulder. He obviously noticed Freddie's discomfort, because he gave her a reassuring smile, that despite Freddie's nerves, somehow still worked. She gave him a small smile of her own.

Kareem steered both of their parents towards the kitchen. He turned on the lights there as well, playing the role of the host while his parents were sitting at the table, dumbstruck. Bomi still wasn't completely awake, and Jer obviously didn't want to get off the topic of Freddie's non-existent pregnancy. She stared pointedly at Freddie's stomach, trying to see through her coat. Freddie wished the ground would open and just swallow her whole- it would save them all from further embarrassment.

"Thanks." She told Kareem quietly, squeezing his shoulder fleetingly. Kareem nodded, taking the seat next to Bomi and looking up at Freddie expectantly.

Freddie sucked in a harsh breath, worrying her lower lip between her teeth. There was no backing out now - they were sitting, ready to listen to her. She needed to tell them- not because she owed her family anything, but because she owed herself this much. She lived her life in a lie for years, always trying to live up to other people's expectations of her. Not anymore. She would finally be the person she was always meant to be, even if it meant her family would never talk to her again. This was a possibility she needed to consider- and while the idea of being cast out sounded horrible, Freddie figured it would be still a small price to pay for finally being herself. Maybe she would regret this statement once her confession was done, but right now, this was what she had to do before she moved on.

"The thing is..." she started, her voice breaking. She cleared her throat, bracing herself. Don't back down now, she kept repeating inside. Jane's words echoed in her head, about putting herself first at last, for her own sake.

"Thing is, I'm not pregnant, Mama. I'm sorry."

Jer looked disappointed, but she patiently waited for Freddie to continue. Freddie looked at Kareem, her safe little anchor. As expected, Kareem smiled at her encouragingly.

"We... Mark and I broke up." She squeezed out through gritted teeth. That immediately woke Bomi. Him and Jer started talking over each other, until it was impossible to distinguish who was saying what. It was all just a mess of "what? How? Why? But you loved each other so much? You're barely married and you're already getting a divorce? That's not okay!"

Freddie's head buzzed. She closed her eyes, digging her nails into the palm of her hands.

"We broke up, because I'm in love with someone else." Freddie blurted out. Her parents immediately fell silent, staring at her with wide eyes.

"Who?" Jer squeaked. Freddie took one last, shaky breath, standing her ground, if a little shakily.

"It's Jane." She said, staring at the vase of clematis on the kitchen table. She didn't dare look them in the eye, to see the disgust on their faces. "Mama, Papa, Kareem. I... I'm gay. I always was, I never loved boys. But you wanted to me to marry a nice man, so I did. And I loved Mark, just not like that. He was like, a good friend to me, but nothing more. I'm just not attracted to men. I love women, and there's nothing you or I could do about it. It is what it is. It's me. That's who I am. So please, don't start telling me I'm just confused, or that it will go away, that Mark and I are meant to be, because that's not true. I'm not confused. I know exactly what I want, even if it scares me, too. But I lived in fear all this time, lying to myself because I was scared of what you're going to say- I molded myself into this picture perfect daughter, because that is what you wanted of me, but I'm done now. I'm fed up with pretending to be happy, when I'm not. I'm so, so tired of acting like I'm in love with Mark when I never was, I'm tired of being ashamed. I'm in love with Jane. I've never loved anyone the way I love her. She is the one for me. I could only be happy with her, and if I'm being myself. So, whatever you're going to say, just... Don't say it. I don't wanna hear what a disappointment I am, or how I broke your hearts. I just needed to tell you this, so I can make peace with myself."

The silence was deafening after she finished. Freddie closed her eyes. She was breathing easier, she realized. A huge weight had been lifted off her chest; her body felt lighter, as if she could float away any minute. No matter what would happen next, at least she got this out of her system.

Jer was the first to break the heavy silence, staring forward in utter confusion.

"You're in love with Jane," she repeated, numbly. "Who's a woman. As in you're a woman."

Freddie was certain there was a question mark written on her face as she looked down at her mother.

"So, the two of you are..." Jer searched for the word, blinking rapidly, "lesbi-friends?"

"I... What?" Freddie squeaked, on the verge of either crying or laughing hysterically. "Mama, I literally just told you that..."

She shut her mouth when Bomi stood, towering over her. Freddie felt herself shrinking. He wouldn't hit her, would he? Was he going to tell her to get out of his house, and never come back again?

Instead, Bomi lay a hand on her shoulder. Even more surprisingly, he was smiling.

"I don't understand," he said, uncharacteristically soft, "and I'm not going to pretend I do. But the thing is, you are my daughter. And I want you to be happy."

Freddie's eyes subtly drifted to the corner, looking for a prank camera. Because there was no way oh so traditional, conservative Bomi would say something like that.

"If this Jane is the one that makes you happy, then..." Bomi's voice broke off. Kareem stood, too, his smile warm.

"I, for one, kinda sensed it." He admitted. "But I wasn't completely sure, so I never asked anything. I felt like it wasn't my place, so I stayed out of it, but I felt something was different about you. And it's not a bad thing, at all. I'm glad you finally stood up for yourself."

Freddie blinked, jaw hanging open. She looked from Bomi to Kareem and back, trying to make sense of this all. Where was the screaming? The disowning? Where was all the gaslighting and the manipulative tears? Why was her mother so quiet, when Freddie was certain she would cry the loudest, why was Bomi so okay with this all? After so many years of thinly masked disdain for anything out of the ordinary, what changed?

"This is madness," Jer finally spoke again, shaking her head. "You're not gay. You don't even have short hair!"

"Oh, God, Mama." Freddie sighed. "It's not about the hair. Just... Please stop trying to find excuses, okay?"

"But I don't understand..."

"You don't need to understand." Freddie said, trying for the tiniest hint of a smile. "You just... Need to accept it. That this is who I am, and we can't change it. You always wanted me to be someone I'm not, and I wanna stop pretending. Please."

Jer gave a deep, long-suffering sigh. She ran a hand through her hair, staring at the floor blankly.

"All this time... You were with Jane, behind Mark's back?"

Freddie ducked her head, closing her eyes. "Trust me, I feel really bad about it. I could fool anyone, but not my heart. When I first saw Jane... It made all the sense in the world, you know? It felt like everything was just clicking into place. I felt for her the exact thing you wanted me to feel for Mark. I didn't want to hurt Mark, believe me. But I don't want to keep hurting myself, either. And if I stay with him, or any man, I would break my own heart. Because I could never be happy with a man the way I could be with a woman. And Jane..." her voice trailed off slightly, before steeling herself again, "Jane means everything to me. When I'm with her, everything just feels right in the world. I'm happy with her, and that is exactly why I need to go after her."

"After?" Kareem repeated, arching an eyebrow. "What do you mean, after?"

"She's heading to Ireland just in a... Holy shit!” Freddie exclaimed as she checked the time on her phone. Jesus, how long had she been explaining herself here? She really needed to get going, if she wanted to catch Jane before she already checked in at the airport.

"Look, I really need to go." Freddie said, already backing out of the kitchen. "Jane is leaving very soon, and it's my fault. I need to tell her that I love her and want to be with her before she goes."

"Where are you going?" Bomi asked, padding out after her.

"To the airport. I'm gonna catch a cab..."

"Screw that, I'm taking you." Freddie's eyes nearly bulged out of her head. She never heard her father swearing before.

"Papa, you really don't have to..."

"No, but I do." Bomi insisted. His eyes were sullen. "After everything we put you through...this is the least I can do."

Freddie had to bite down on her lip to stop herself from crying. She never, not even in her wildest dreams would have thought that one day she would receive an apology for the way her parents treated her.

"We're coming too!" Jer declared, shooting off her chair. She didn't give Freddie an apology of her own, but right now, this was enough. Freddie beamed through the tears in her eyes as they ran out to the car. Kareem patted her on the back and gave her a proud smile, causing Freddie's heart to swell.

She could be proud of herself, she figured. She took another huge step today. Now, she just had to find Jane to complete her mission of her self-liberation.

\--

Jane watched the blocks of buildings moving past as they drove. Her heart was heavy. She originally thought of only staying a few days in Ireland, but maybe she could stay a bit longer. God knows she needed plenty of time to heal her broken heart.

She caught a cab instead of driving her own car, because she was certain she wouldn't be able to focus on the road in this state. All her thoughts kept rushing back to Freddie. She saw her beautiful black hair, her dark eyes, her adorable teeth in front of her eyes. She heard her laughter, felt her warmth. Freddie etched herself into her brain completely, and Jane didn't know how to get rid of her.

She fell way too deeply for this woman, and it cost her her heart. Jane wished things would have been different: in another life, her and Freddie would have been a lovely couple. They both loved each other, and neither of them had any doubt they were meant to be. But things weren't that easy, of course, Jane had learnt that a long time ago. Freddie's crippling fear of what other people thought of her, her devotion to a failing marriage would always stand in their way. And as much as it hurt, Jane had to accept that.

She closed her eyes, succumbing to the memories: pictures flashed before her, of the first time she saw Freddie in her wedding dress, looking like a Princess out of a fairytale. Them goofing around when her ring fell into the punch- was it a sign her marriage wouldn't work with Mark? She saw Freddie's wide, innocent eyes, as she hang on every word Jane said about love at first sight. She saw her wrapping her tiny jacket around her on the balcony, even though she was colder than Jane. She felt Freddie's warmth beneath her palms when she taught her how to shout at the match. She felt her lips on hers, the mental image of their first, passionate kiss lighting her skin on fire. The hugs, the fleeting touches, the love they shared.

So many memories that plagued her, but hopefully, once she was back in Ireland, she would be able to forget at least some of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the movie, the coming out scene wasn't such a big deal, Rachel didn't have that big of a monologue- but as I said, I'm taking some artistic freedom!

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is needed and appreciated to the high Heavens! You can find me on tumblr @bambirexwrites


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